Confessions-Worst Date(s) EVER Edition

I feel like a deer in headlights right now because tonight I am speaking at a youth conference! I’ve never done anything like this before and I am very nervous and I keep staring at the wall not knowing what to do. So I thought I needed a distraction and what better than confessions with Glamazon!

She has a new theme this week-“The Worst Date Ever” and while I think her date was very creepy, I think  I have her beat. Not only is it one date with a strange dude, it was several. 2 or 3 months worth.

There was a guy in my single’s ward back in the olden days. he was learning about the church and getting ready to be baptized. I met him at a party and we hit off. He eventually got baptized and came to our ward (church meeting) regularly.

This ward was so big that we had several dances and parties with major themes. We had a sort of ladies’ choice dance and since I was on the planning committee, I figured I should probably find a date and go. I thought of this new guy, ‘Joe’, and thought flirting equals fellowshipping  and asked him to be my date.

HIs excitement in me asking him should have clued me in.

Anyway, we had a great time, danced a lot, and went our separate ways.

He asked me out soon after and I was a little nervous because I really wasn’t all that into him but I said yes because, who knows, it could be fun.

All I remember from that date was that he was very talkative, which is great, but I started realizing he was a little more ‘simple minded’ than I could handle. I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed myself so the fact I found him a little too unsmart is saying a lot. He also made more than 1 reference to ‘our children’. That’s when he lost me.

We didn’t go out again but we were friendly and then I went off to serve a mission for my church and didn’t think twice about him.

So I return home and visit my old singles ward and guess who is still there? That’s right, ‘Joe’. Again, his excitement in seeing me is slightly disturbing and when I found out my friend gave him my number, I freaked!

He wanted to come to my homecoming (which is a talk a returning missionary gives in their ward sort of reporting about the mission and what not). The best part? He chatted with my uncle the plumber(the uncle had a shirt on with his company printed on the side pocket) thinking he was my dad (whom he did meet before) for about 30 minutes which went a little like this:

Joe: “Bro. Thomas, I didn’t know you were a plumber! How long have you been doing that?”

Uncle(not knowing who the H this was): “Uuuumm yeah,,,,yes, I am. 25 years or so…”

Joe: “Wow! What union are you in blahblahblahblah”

Uncle: “……………I gotta find my wife……”

He was a little confused when I told him later that my dad was a teacher and he was the guy 6 inches taller than my uncle standing by my mom.

I thought I wasn’t giving him much of a chance so when he asked me out again I thought I’d give it a go, against my better judgment.

We actually dated for a few months, mostly because he was someone to make out hang out with. He often tried to get out of paying for things which left me, the unemployed, paying for stuff. He was an aspiring electrician so he talked about unions and the trade almost constantly….which explains all the making out. He also had a weird obsession with my belly button. He kept sticking his finger in my belly button which he was lucky he didn’t get punched in the face because I don’t like my stomach being touched at all let alone poked!

You’d think by this point I would have ran but it was a weird time for me and he just kept me busy while I tried to figure out the mess my life was in at the moment. It wasn’t until 3 separate instances that I finally knew to pull the plug on this doomed courtship.

1- We went to see “Prince of Egypt”, the one about Moses and freeing the slaves, you know, FROM THE BIBLE. Just as it was beginning he leaned over to me and said, “Is this a true story?” Wow.

2- He joined us for Thanksgiving dinner and we hung out there all day. There was the usual leftovers of food and pans that hadn’t been clean. He got up to get something to eat and instead of pulling out the turkey and mashed potatoes from the fridge, he went to the turkey pan that still had cold turkey drippings in it. I’m talking fatty skin and grease congealed into the most disgusting Jello mold known to man. He says to my mom, “Can I just have some of that?” She just stares at him. “You want the turkey drippings?” “Yeah, I’ll just have a bowl of that and a roll, is that okay?” My mom gets a bowl and scoops some in, trying to control her gag reflex. “Can I have a little more?” My mom puts in another scoop and asks, “Do you want it warmed up?” “No”, he says, “This is good.” He grabs a couple rolls and sits down with his disgusting feast (wait….maybe this is where that dream stems from….) with all of us staring at him horrified.

He licked that bowl clean.

3-I have a crazy aunt who has very bad taste in men (the most recent is a man she ‘met’ on the internet who is married and a possible pedophile) and after she met Joe she expressed to my mom her concern that I was seeing him and thought he was a little too weird. If my crazy aunt was concerned, I should have ran long ago!

3 days later I ended it.

I tried to do it like an adult by calling him up and saying we needed to get together and talk about something. He demanded I tell him over the phone and when I told him I didn’t see it going anywhere and we should just end it, he wanted to know exactly why. He wanted my list of why we wouldn’t work and what I didn’t like about him. I awkwardly gave him a list and said the dumbest line known to relationships-“Can we still be friends?” (No, you never ever can still be friends, in case you were wondering)

About a week later, he called wanting to invite me to a party he was going to. It was with no one I knew, and there was a weird gruffness to his voice which left me feeling very uncomfortable about the offer. I told him I would see if I could make it but something told me not to. Something just seemed very off about it so I never went and never saw him again.

Phew.

I’m so glad I’m married….and my husband doesn’t have a thing for turkey drippings….or belly buttons…