Heavenly Light Distilled upon My Soul

"The more we incline our hearts and minds toward God, the more heavenly light distills upon our souls. And each time we willingly and earnestly seek that light, we indicate to God our readiness to receive more light. Gradually, things that before seemed hazy, dark, and remote become clear, bright, and familiar to us." Deiter F. Uchtdorf. (Source)

In the midst of a raging pity party this morning, I read this quote. Shortly after I was trying to read the lesson I've been asked to teach Sunday and came across a quote from President Joseph Fielding Smith (earlier church president) saying, "People die in bed. And so does ambition." Yes, I happened to be in bed crying to myself.

I had friends texting me and checking on me and sending their love. Then my mom called and we talked it out. The strength and wisdom I receive from my parents is a gift I try to never take for granted. If I was even a fraction of the awesomeness that is my parents, I could take on the world.

Then ElRey invited me on a lunch date and we got to enjoy one another's company in peace and quiet because Amy was kind enough to take our Tiny Dictator. I really love that man. He is my one and only forever. I love when we actually get to talk. And then another friend, Erin, followed a prompting from the Spirit to call me to buoy me up with her wisdom, kindness and love. To say my rough morning ended in a lot of "Heavenly light distilled upon my soul" would be an understatement. I'm so grateful to be reminded that God is prevalent in my little life and the Angels He has put in my journey.

Trials weaken us but if we are willing to ask for God's grace and empowering Spirit, they can make us stronger. If we can give in to the Master Carpenter, we can be the work of art we never imagined.

I watched this movie the other night called, "Liberal Arts". I pretty much loved it. It made me think a lot about my own potential and what, if anything, am I doing to reach it. One of my favorite scenes went like this:

Nat: Want some good news?

Jesse Fisher: Yes, please.

Nat: Caterpillars.... they're just scooping along, right? Being caterpillars. At some point, these cells show up, called imaginal cells. Scientists don't know where they come from or why they appear. These imaginal cells show up inside the caterpillar and say: "Get psyched, caterpillar! It's butterfly-turning-into time!" And what do all the other caterpillars do once these imaginal cells show up?

Jesse Fisher: I have no idea.

Nat: They attack 'em! Try to kill 'em! They're, like: "Screw you, imaginal cells. We're happy being a caterpillar. Get lost!" But eventually, the imaginal cells keep growing and overtake the destiny of the caterpillar. They will be in this cocoon! And then guess what happens next?

Jesse Fisher: The caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

Nat: [repeats him excitedly] The caterpillar turns into a butterfly!

Jesse Fisher: That's awesome.

Nat: I know it is!

Jesse Fisher: Yeah, that's good.

Nat: And that is why there is no reason to be afraid. Because everything is okay.

Jesse Fisher: Yeah, I don't know if I believe that.

Nat: It has to be true. There can be no other way.
(Source)

That is why we were put on this earth. To become our own version of a beautiful butterfly. But it hurts. It pulls, it weakens, it molds and carves us. We fight against it by sitting on our couches, by cradling bad habits like newborn babies because it's scary and it hurts.

I've been thinking a lot about the part of the Atonement that we tend to forget. Grace. Enpowerment. Christ is there not only to wash away our sins but to strengthen us in our weaknesses. He didn't expect us to turn into butterflies without a little (a lot) of help. He's there with His arm stretched out begging us to to ask for His help. I just have to remember that after I ask, I actually have to get up and do. Hiding in bed is no way to become stronger.

My kid is hurting. It isn't about me, even though I seem to be pretty good about making it all about me, but being a parent you can't help but take on their hurt, feel guilty, lost, hopeless and scared when you are trying everything to make things better for them, wishing you could just take it away from them and you seem to be getting nowhere. Even though I texted my husband this morning saying, "I just can't do this anymore" and the very next thought was, "Yes, you will. Again, later today, probably tomorrow, and the next day until you find what works." Even though I've been asking for His Enpowering Strength, I have felt so weak, so beat down, so lost. And yet, this morning, even while I was hiding in my bed crying for my kid, crying for me, crying for the the apparent loss of control in our little life together, He reached out to me through written words, friends, my husband, perfectly timed phone calls. He lifted me up. He Enpowered me through His Never-ending Grace. With that, I can become a more compassionate, patient, strong mother through this trial.

"No one has failed who keeps trying and keeps praying." Jeffrey R. Holland (Source)