After the Laughter

You know, there are some benefits of being the very average looking, slightly chubby girl. Not only do you know to not spend bundles of money on beauty products because it ain’t gonna make you look like Jennifer Aniston. Or that fact that you don’t have to worry that that guy might be coming on to you because he most assuredly is not.

No, the big benefit of it all is you develop a sense of humor. It’s the only way you might get noticed. So you make jokes hoping to get a laugh or at least a smile. You learn to not take yourself too seriously and you can find the funny in almost anything. It’s a fantastic coping mechanism that doesn’t cost anything or require an intervention and rehab.

That’s what I have been trying to do all week. I have a few successful moments but not many. I keep having these silly ideas that come to me when I am having my torture session treatment or my ideas of how to get back at little old ladies who shouldn’t be driving. But an hour later it’s all gone. I have no funny.

Sitting for any length of time causes uncontrollable sobbing. Standing for any length of time causes sobbing. Laying…well, you get the idea. I have barely made it through my last papers of the semester and after that, I have nothing left.

I know that I am very lucky, it could all be worse. I am grateful that my baby slept through the silly accident and she is unharmed. I am grateful to know that one day I won’t drop to the floor because I bent a certain way or chatted on Facebook for a little too long. But the thought of how very little I am in my life right now, that I cannot pick up my baby and everyday my kids ask when my back is going to be better just breaks my heart.

Each day I wonder if I can even do it just one more day. All I want is to take anything that will make me completely numb for just a few hours. Not just numb to the pain but to the stress wrapped up in it, dealing with the insurance company, all the crying, the fact that ElRey is having to carry so much and needing to be a mom but can’t even do that.

Man, it all hurts and I want it to all go away. I just hope the funny comes back.

Confessionals

Go link up and play along!

I confess~

• I went to book club last night totally stoned.
• I cannot be held responsible for anything I said or did.
• I couldn’t figure out why when I came home, my clothes were on inside out and backwards and I had my bra tied around my forehead and I had ‘war paint’ smeared under my eyes.
• I am still trying to figure out who invited Donald Trump and Cleopatra to the party. Dude, that lady is whiny and “The Donald” kept looking down her toga. So rude.
• I also learned that having a guy read any part of the “Twilight series” to you makes it seem dirty and shameful.
• And very funny.
• Sometimes I make fun of myself so much I actually hurt my own feelings.
• Then I give myself the silent treatment.
• That usually involves an obscene amount of chocolate, fried foods and a fat and sugar coma.
• That always seems to make me feel better.
• I went to a chiropractor today.
• I didn’t learn much about what’s wrong with my back yet.
• I did learn that my Metamucil addiction is brought on by a back that is out of line.
• I also learned that I carry 15 more lbs of my weight on my left side.
• I’m just glad to know my right side is 15 lbs skinner than my left.
• I apparently have no reflexes in my right arm at this point
• But it shakes involuntarily all the time.
• I got the palsies.
• Weird.
• There is goes again. I guess it’s time to lay back down and watch my Wii *snicker*
• Now I want a snickers.

Aftermath

Holy. Freaking. Ouch.

Who knew that slamming into someone’s car going about 5 mph could cause so much pain!

Can you say “Complete Waste of Skin”?

That would be me.

I feel like I have been walking around in this haze all week, I can hardly think or move, luckily I’ve had the strength to put on a bra and eat lots of food. It takes a lot of fat and calories to heal a body! And a whole lot o’ bra to hold up these fun bags. At least I’ve got my priorities straight.

Yesterday was the the breaking point. I was either laying flat on my back with my children crawling all over me, sobbing in the bathroom or staring at the wall.

At least I now have Netflix on my Wii (that still sounds dirty to me, just sayin), at least I can now stare at something worthwhile. Today I had to pee and I watched 4 whole episodes of 30Rock before I actually got up to do something about it. It’s times like this when that crazy astronaut lady (I totally Googled “crazy astronaut lady” and it took me right to her! Awesome!) starts making a little more sense..

Anyway, my breaking point. So, I was in so much pain that it finally convinced me to call a Dr. I’m pretty sure that along with back x-rays I will need a colonoscopy, lap band surgery and some Botox because of this accident. Probably Lasik, too.

As I was sobbing talking to my drug dealer pimp mom, she offered some of her legal narcotics from a recent surgery to help me get through till my Dr.’s appt. Let me tell you, that was the best thing that happened to me all week. While it didn’t totally take away the pain, and there were pink elephants floating about my living room singing and that disembodied head that was predicting the future, it did make me care less about the pain. I mean, there were pink elephants in the room, come on!

It does seem better today so I’m sure I will survive. Heck, I may even do my hair again or even do the damn dishes again….and again….again….

I think it’s time for me to pop another one of those happy pill…

Seriously though, you guys are all awesome! Thanks for all your care and concern! There is nothing like a blog to make you feel loved! It’s like a real life hug or plate of cookies! {{HUGS}} To you all!

Why I’m so glad I put on a bra today!

I’ve had a couple of scary things happen in the past few days.

Saturday, I almost lost this forever:

My two year old wandered off and ended up about a 1/2 a mile from our home, close to the corner of a very busy street before she was found and brought home safe! My kids left the door out to the garage open while I was indisposed and the 2 year old followed. When I came out to check, my 8 year old told me she was down at the neighbor’s house playing with my 6 year old. When I got down there, my neighbor, Susan, said she hadn’t even seen her. That’s when my 6 year old said, pointing down the street, “she went that way”. I looked down the street and didn’t see her. My heart sunk!

Seconds later, a lady that lived on the very end street came around the corner walking with my little blondie. I was so grateful that not only it was someone I knew (she works at the elementary school), but someone I trusted that found her! She said she was just walking with her till my baby recognized someone or her own house.

Tragic crisis miraculously averted!

After I gave my older girls a verbal lashing for leaving the door open, I didn’t want to let her go. I held her as much as she would let me that day!

Today we started off with everyone safe, whiny and bickering, but safe. I was trying to stick to my list for the day and then tried to avoid my daily ‘let’s-hope-baby-falls-asleep-while-we-drive-around-enlarging-my-carbon-footprint-for-the-sake-of-some-quiet-mom-time-drive” by laying down with her, hoping she’d fall asleep. It wasn’t happening so I figured we’d run a  few errands hoping she’d fall asleep in the process.

I hadn’t gotten ready yet for the day and I thought, I’m not getting out of the car so I won’t put on a bra. That’s when I heard a little voice say, “put on your bra”. So I did. I thought it was more so to be prepared just in case Stacy and Clinton of “What Not To Wear” were having me filmed or ambushing me while I was out.

I was so wrong.

As I was headed home with baby peacefully sleeping in her car seat, I came to a 4 way stop where I was the only car stopping. After my few second wait, I started going and all of the sudden this car comes flying (she was probably only going about 30 mph but when you see that coming for ya, it looks like flying!) down the cross street, obviously not noticing her stop sign. Before I could even react, aside from a swearword, I had slammed into the side of her car and she spun out of the intersection!

I looked back at my baby, and by the grace of God, she was sleeping peacefully still!

I’m telling ya, there are drivers out there that give certain groups of people a bad name, like certain women drivers or elderly drivers. Well, this was an elderly (like 80) woman! Aside from me asking her if she was okay, and her replying yes, she said nothing else to me. Never once did she ask if I was okay, if anyone in my car was hurt or even mention the weather!

Maybe she was disoriented, or out of sorts. I saw a hearing aid so maybe she couldn’t hear us very well, so I will give her the benefit of the doubt, but her lack of concern or apology or even acknowledgement of what she did, just infuriated me and I found myself laughing diabolically inside when she had to wait for a tow truck and had to pay for a big fat ticket.

I know, wishing that on a little old lady, how could I?

Here’s what is left of my license plate that she ripped off the front of my car. Luckily, that and my damaged front bumper is all the damage we have found so far. Her car didn’t leave on it’s own 4 wheels. I can’t imagine what our cars would have looked like if I was going over 5 mph!!

Anyway, as I am sitting there talking to the police officer and filling out my paper work, all I could think about was how glad I was I listened to that voice that told me to put on my bra. Although, why that voice told me to wear a bra but did not tell me to take a different route, I admit, has left me a bit bamboozled.

Maybe He figured I could handle the car accident but not the humiliation of my twins wobblin’ to and fro out in public.

I’ll take that and the fact we are all safe, albeit, a little stiff, as huge blessings! No hair flipping Zumba for me tonight!

I’m starting to wonder if these two incidences are mere coincidence or if The Powers That Be are trying to tell me something more. I don’t know what that may be, but just in case, I stayed home with my family all locked safely in our home.

Plus, I will never, ever, ever leave my house without a bra again! Who knows, maybe next time it really will be Stacy and Clinton that show up!

Confess

Hi. Remember me? Yes, I am here to confess:

• I haven’t been around much.
• My husband has been working on a wedding video that can be very time consuming and tedious and he had to commandeer my lover computer to do it.
• The video(s) turned out great.
• I’ve had a hard time with even real life social situations
• So, yeah, my virtual social life is lacking, too.
• I’m pretty sure no one has noticed.
• I’m hoping once I’m done writing about depression, The Graduate and math(um, yeah, seriously??), I’ll have a desire to write for fun again.
• Yes, those are 3 different papers.
• I know, they could totally all be one.
• 1 over middle aged lady+1 stupid graduate=one really creepy affair x the daughter finds out/one really stupid husband=really pathetic and depressing
• That would be one heck of a paper!
• And yes, a paper in math. WTH??
• When I asked the math professor if he wanted the paper in MLA format, he said, “what’s that?”
• That’s what I like to hear.
• I have “What the hell am I doing??” Syndrome aka SAHM ADD so bad, I had to actually make a weekly chore chart just to get something done!
• I’m close to putting things like “put on a bra” and “feed the kids” and “refrain from staring aimlessly at the wall for longer than 30 minutes” just to keep on task.
• Even though I’ve been able to mark off everything but 2 things on my weekly list, today my house is still a mess.
• And I am freely staring aimlessly at the wall.
• Yoga makes me feel pretty.
• Zumba makes me feel retarded.
• I learned this week that highly potent asparagus pee+small public bathroom+someone waiting to use it after you= AWKWARD

Link up with Glamazon and play along!

A Random Post It Notes Tuesday

 

  

 

Recent Purchase

I made a pretty exciting purchase last week. I haven’t been this excited about money spent since we bought our first baby crib or when I bought my wedding veil!

I bought my cap and gown for my graduation from the community college! I’ve been wandering the house wearing them, practicing my walk for the big day! They even came with ‘Honors’ tassels from all my brown nosing extra hard work.

I was a little worried about the cap fitting since it said ‘One Size Fits All’ and I have a freakishly large head. Whenever I have attempted to wear a hat that’s a ‘One Size Fits All’, I can hear the hat weeping from being stretched in such unnatural ways. I come from a family of freakishly large headed people. Whenever my dad tries to wear a ball cap, his IQ drops about 25 points. It’s really sad. I think they named a condition after us.

It’s called The Thomas Family Freakishly Large Head Disorder. It’s in medical journals. And on the internet.

But anyway, now I have a new decision to make on a regular basis.

Do I wear the wedding veil or the cap and gown while I do the dishes?

What’s a girl to do??

Confessing all.

I’m putting it all out there with Glamazon. That reminds me of some of our sleepovers….If I told you about those, I’d have to kill you…

 

I confess:

• I often have pretty fantastic ideas.
• Like the best ever give away going on right now!
• Click here to see the give away! Don’t get left out!
• That’s all I’ll say about my give away.
• I think grocery stores should have a section right up front that includes milk, eggs, bread, chocolate, Diet Coke and diapers. You know, the essentials for that quick trip will all need to make once in while. How often do we make that quick trip with multiple children and end up spending $100, or for those who have a stronger backbone, say ‘no’ 1,347 times by the time you get back to your car, just to get those things because they keep them in the far reaches of the store? This area should also have it’s own self check out stands to speed up the process. I think these store would find they benefit just as much as we would with this arrangement.
• Or an even better idea? Grocery store drive thru. ‘Nuff said.
• Now, this next one I may get a small business loan and start myself and make a killing.
• Ice cream man? Meet the taco man. That’s right, a taco truck that cruises neighborhoods at just the perfect time, playing some Latino music through the mega phone, signaling to all that here comes “The Taco Man” with his freshly made fish tacos, pork tacos, chicken tacos, guacamole, salsa and a fresh fountain drink. All of this right in your front yard.
• While church is where we all need to be on Sunday, with small kids it’s not always easy to sit through the services, actually hear what’s being said and not annoy everyone sitting around you with your freaking hyper and obnoxious energetic kids. here is the solution. Sound proof glass encased pews throughout the chapel. Once inside, you will find that not only can you still see the speaker, even hear the speaker with the nifty headphones supplied for your listening pleasure, but no one will hear your kids whine about being bored, beg to use the bathroom/get a drink 58 times, or you telling them that you brought them into this world and you can take them out if they don’t shut their mouths and think about Jesus!
• I really should be apart of a brain trust.
• Maybe I will start my own.
• For more of my amazing ideas go here and here.

My First Ever Give-Away!!!

I am so excited! I can’t believe I am doing a giveaway!! There are so many gifts so I’ll just start listing:

• First up, a blog makeover!! Who doesn’t want a blog makeover?! Everyone wants to feel pretty, even blogs!
• A new laptop! I’m not even kidding! All of us know how it is to fight our husbands and kids for time on our beloved computer! Now, you can stay in bed ALL DAY LONG with your new laptop!
• A get away with the hubs! A two night stay at the hotel of your choice! Everyone needs a couple nights away to be reminded why you marry each other. Or just to be able to get some sleep and eat food without little fingers grabbing at your fries salad.
• A year’s supply of Diet Coke! Never have to do a drink run again! At least, for a year, anyway.
• A week long stay at Biggest Loser’s Fitness Ridge in Southern Utah. This includes a workout session with a shirtless and VERY accommodating Bob Harper! That’s right, he gets to make you sweat! Every girl’s dream!

So, here’s how this awesomeness works! Leave a comment on my blog with your email address telling me what you want to give me. I will then email you and give you my shipping address for the loot! Hurry fast because your chance is now until Sunday night at midnight! I know you are all excited to participate and so am I!

Mindi’s Semi-Annual Give-Away sponsored by you and wishful thinking! If this one’s a hit, we may even go quarterly!