A Black Thumb

I’ve always wanted the gardens around my house to look like this:

Instead, they look like this:

Yeah, those are weeds, not “ground cover”. Every year I plan to make it beautiful and low maintenance. Every year this is what I get.

I always wanted a vegetable garden Karlie or Donatella would be jealous of. Something like this:

Instead I have this:

 

Note the dead zucchini plants. Who kills zucchini plants?? I didn’t know that was even possible! We have a great harvest of morning glory, though! And to be fair, our peppers and cucumbers are doing pretty good. We also have a hanging tomato plant that is doing okay. But come on! This is just ridiculous! Maybe the zucchini committed suicide out of embarrassment.

I hear having nice gardens take work but I think that’s just silly. It should just be as easy as hiring a gardener. Maybe that gardener from Desperate Housewives (not that I would EVER watch such a trashy show!! Well, maybe 3 or 4 times but that’s it!)…hmmmm…I wonder if he’s available…

 PS- Although I am still sad about my roosters, I was able to comfort myself with a rotisserie chicken from Macey’s and 3 new hens. Things are much quieter now and my feet are safe from that wicked beak!

Pretty garden pictures taken from here  and here.

Curse you CAL Ranch (and Rikke)!!!

This lovely wake up call is courtesy of Rikke:

I enjoy those sweet sounds beginning around 6am about every 15 minutes right up until dusk. My neighbors love me I am sure. He also likes to peck at feet. He is a beauty, though!

Unfortunately, we have to find him a new home before our neighbors lose their patience. He is our favorite. Except when he pecks at our feet. Then he gets a good solid kick.

See these little cuties?

We bought these little puff balls back in March from our neighborhood CAL Ranch. They swore up and down that they were hens. ONLY ONE IS A HEN!!

Our friends, Jeremy and Karlie, came over to see our chickens the other night, took one look at these two:

And said: "Those are roosters!"

CURSES!!

Apparently they haven't been acting like roosters because there is already a dominate male. So, as soon as they are all separated, they'll all be crowing and pecking at innocent feet. At this point we have 3 hens and 3 roosters. Awesome. I have nothing against roosters, in fact, my two favorite ones happen to be roosters, but I have to think of my neighbors and their lack of desire to wake up to Cock-a-Doodle-Do every morning. Plus, have you seen what they do to hens?? It's so dirty and degrading!

Maybe we can make some money off of our 'misfortune'...Cock fights anyone??

Update: My backyard is suddenly very quiet and forlorn. My roosters are gone. You put them up on KSL.com and they go like fried chicken...oops...wrong choice of words! I feel like crying about it! I will miss them. I am going to imagine they went off to some beautiful farm with wide open spaces and hundreds of horny little hens. Goodbye Lady/Man Hawk, Red, and Bard. We love you and hope you aren't going to be someone's dinner tonight!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

I only have a small handful of skills and talents. One of them happens to be putting my foot in my mouth. I tend to take things way too far way too fast. There used to be a girl in my ward that did the same thing, although, I thought she took it much further than I ever did. This was the same girl who booed one of the counselors of the Relief Society when she got up to say something at Enrichment one night (they were friends but, still, not the time or place). At the same spiritually based activity she kept calling me white trash because of my beat up and torn sweatshirt I was wearing and my favorite was when she said in a loud voice that the bishopric was going to do a strip tease at the end of the program. The bishop was at the next table and my husband happened to be in that bishopric.

People tended to group us together and it always bothered me, not that I didn’t like her, I did. She just made me uncomfortable. I wondered if I was really that bad, hoping that I really wasn’t. I tend to leap over the line of appropriate like a fence in someone’s yard. I just get to the other side of it and stop and climb back over. She would jump over the fence, run to the other side of that yard and poop in their grass. Did I go to far with that analogy? Probably, but anyone who knew her would agree, I think.

I have a plethora of examples of me saying something stupid but I will only embarrass myself with a few.

• Recently I was bad mouthing a small business owner for what seemed to be nepotism and slightly dishonest tactics to my BFF. As I was winding down she reminded me (nicely) that her dad is a small business owner who’s children have all worked in his office at some point and time and explained to me that often there is some major gray areas in the business world and sometimes you don’t realize you’ve broken a rule until it is pointed out to you later.
• At my grandmother’s funeral, my uncles and aunt, her children, were all posing for a rare photo op. Everyone was quietly taking their picture at the gravesite when I yelled out, “Make love to the camera!” I see nothing wrong with that but apparently that is not the thing to say after dedicating a grave…go figure…
• The other night I was at a BBQ with my little family and friends. My friend was talking about nursing her baby and how her older son wants to nurse, too. Another friend asked, “Do you ever let him nurse?” To which I so wittily replied, “Who, your husband?”. Said husband blushed. I blushed. My husband blushed. I quietly said, “I forgot this isn’t a girl’s night…sorry” as everyone laughed at my shame.
• When I was a leader in the Young Women’s, we were making a blanket for someone and a counselor from the bishopric was there with us. I made a joke about my weight by saying, “Oh, I weigh about 110. In my bra!” I looked over at him after it was too late to stop myself just has he hung his head and blushed in shame over who was leading our youth.

When you are in a constant state of desperation for a laugh, you tend to make a major fool of yourself about 80% of the time. This would be my life. To be honest, though I do come by it naturally. My sweet little grandma that just passed away had a couple awkward moments.

• At her 80th birthday bash she told her children and their spouses (imagine it with a soft English accent), “I would rather be with you than the finest people in the world.” Thanks, Ma.
• She told my sister-in-law, Heather, after she had her first baby “be careful of their heads. You can hit them anywhere you want but don’t hit them in the head.” Words to live by.
• She is my dad’s mom. My mom’s dad was a charming feller. She flirted with him when he was working on her roof. While both their spouses were on the other side, THAT IS WRONG AND JUST PLAIN OLD DIRTY!!!

So, while I may embarrass myself and those around me on a regular basis,  now and then I just may something funny. And just know, I inherited it. It’s in my genes. There is nothing I can do about it! So please forgive me. And if you happen to see me walking around with my foot in my mouth, please help me get it out. I am not as flexible as I once was and it gets a little uncomfortable.

Some more really super awesome ideas from Mindi

Do I not have the bestest husband ever?!! What a wonderful surprise to come home to after a grueling girl’s getaway of eating, sitting, laughing, eating some more, attempting to burn down cabins and my own butt. I swear God is part comedian. If he wasn’t laughing wouldn’t feel so good and be so cathartic! Nor would we have irony, sarcasm, PeeWee Herman, or platypuses. But seriously, ElRey totally rocks and I obviously married up! Big time!

A while back I suggested some ideas that I think would make life better all around. I have come up with a few more to add to that list. To see prior list, click here.

• Let’s make tithing fun! Each time you pay tithing your receipt goes into the raffle for a monthly drawing. The more often you pay, the better your chances of winning at the Fast and Testimony Meeting Raffle, which would be done at the beginning of the meeting. Not only would it up attendance on that day it would also up the ‘Thank-a-monies’ we all enjoy. The prizes could include mini vacations, gift certificates to Macey’s or buckets of wheat for your food storage. Maybe even a Sunday off, excluding Stake Conferences, of course.
• Let’s take it over to Fast Offerings, too. Not as many people are as consistent with their Fast Offerings as they may be with Tithing. Incentive, people! Tangible incentive is the key. And, boy howdy, do I have an incentive! On a  quarterly basis take the family/individual that has paid the most in Fast Offering based on percentage of how much paid versus income. The winner(s) receive a month off of paying Tithing while maintaining their “Full Tithe Payer” status. I think that would change how much FO your ward is getting, don’t you??
• I see nothing wrong with this next idea! Remember the vending machine idea? You know, in the foyer at church? Right next to it? Red Box! Who doesn’t need a good movie on their Sunday afternoon? I mean, they have them at restaurants, grocery stores and gas stations, why not at church? We can keep them all clean, even have a “Mormon Cinema” section. No one is working and no one is technically spending money-at least it doesn't go through your checking account till at least Monday.
• We just got a new fridge, courtesy of ElRey’s parents since it wouldn’t fit in their apartment. It has an ice maker and water in the door-what I have always wanted! When ElRey was hooking up the water he suggested we just make it a Diet Coke dispenser for me. See why I love him??
• I am going to invent a “People Pleaser Shock Collar”. Whenever you take on more than you can handle, you get shocked. If you ignore it and keep saying yes, you will find yourself in a puddle of your own discomfort, forgetting your name for a half an hour. “No, I’m sorry, I just can’t watch your house while you go on vacation. If I do I may pee my pants and forget my name.” Best excuse EVER!!

I am a freaking genius! I am telling you I should start my own brain trust!

HA HA HA!!! Mindi’s blog has officially been hijacked!!

 

Hello all. This is Mindi’s husband, ElRey. I have decided to hijack Mindi’s blog since she has decided that it would be more fun for her to go to her friend’s cabin for the night then spend the time with me and the “chillins”. (which of course would be completely true.) She went for the night with 6 other women to a cabin. I can’t help but think this is just an evil way for someone to have a Mary Kay party!! Oh man, I would laugh until I died if she came back and told me there was a pink caddie in the cabin driveway!!  Anyway, the purpose of this blog is to tell you that Mindi is awesome. I love her so much. Seriously the funniest woman I have ever met. I love to read her blog. I’m constantly telling her she needs to blog everyday. Of course I’m not the one trying to write something witty while being screamed at by 3 (sometimes 4) little women. Just wanted everyone to know that she is (as she would say) “wicked awesome”. I know you all get to hear her rant and rave about all the crazy things our girls do, but she is the best mom ever. She loves her girls so much and they know it. I actually have to hand it to all you who are mothers and doing the same things she does on a daily basis. It takes great courage and faith to do what you do. I appreciate it. But I mostly appreciate my wife. I know there are many ups and downs, but like many other trials in life, the ups far out weigh the downs.

Mindi, you are loved by so many and I just wanted you to know that. Since you spend half your time on this box they call a computer, I thought this would be a fun way to let you know that I love you. I love your smile and your giddy personality. I love your courage and selflessness, your faith, your testimony, and most of all your witty sense of humor. I heard said many a time by others the words “I have to get my dose of Mindi for the day”. Luckily for me I get you all the time. (except when you have deserted me for a trip to the cabin for a day). I hope you’re having a great time up there with your friends. I also hope you keep your clothes on. Love ya!!

Sorry if this is sappy for all you readers, but I just had to get it out there.

8 Days a Week

I feel I need to explain myself. I feel like I have gone AWOL from my life as I knew it! It’s been quite a week and here it is:

Sunday- We went to my brother’s baby’s blessing, used “Get out of Primary Free” card and enjoyed the afternoon with family.

Monday- I forgot to actually turn on alarm to get to the gym. We started our first day of many of babysitting my 8 year old niece while her mom finishes school. My children want to show her EVERYTHING including but not limited to: Will and Erin, the swimming pool, chickens (damn rooster!!), slushies and park. Daddy picks her up, stays for 2 hours visiting and suddenly it is bed time. Dinner, you want dinner, children?? What do you take me for??? Stay up way too late reading or what have you.

Tuesday- Start off with a much needed run at 6AM, niece shows up at 7:30 and “Cruise Director” responsibilities begin. The hubby is home so I’m sure we will have a tender loving day together after I go clean that nice couple’s house but get turned away even though I have a babysitter home, spend a FREAKING hour looking for swimsuits for the girls(seriously, do they only make bikinis for little girls??? Why does a 5 year old need a bikini??), a lunch at a friend’s house while he cleans the carpets, maybe we will even go to the Temple together and enjoy a date! As we were cleaning up lunch I slipped on a rouge grape, hyper-extending my knee for all to see. Everyone was really jealous of my random grace and colorful language. Lunch is over, carpet-cleaning is not. So, I drop off the baby for a nap and head to my mom’s for more fun. Stay for hours. Carpets are still not done. Mommy comes to get niece. Carpets not done. Go get Pizza. Carpets not done. Eat on floor, finally finish carpets, put everyone to bed to prepare for another exhausting fun-filled day. Stay up way too late since that is the only time I can think or do anything!

Wednesday- Skip the gym because, really, can any human function on 4 hours of sleep?? I went to the Temple instead. Go enjoy more watery fun at another friend’s house. Party like Rock Stars. Go home and hope for naps but get TV watching and snack request after snack request and a bucket full of whining and fighting. Oh, yeah, the kids wanted lots of snacks, too. I said a very painful ‘No’ to a girly get-together since I haven’t seen my husband much and hung out with him.

Thursday- Skip early run due to knee pain from evil grape. The girls begged to go to the park by our house so we were there before 9AM. I witnessed a possible foiled drug exchange while my kids played in the foreground. Debated whether to not I was going to go clean house with all 4 children, finally decided to do the right thing and went there. I swept and mopped, broke mop, did laundry, dishes and chatted it up with the friendly couple. I thought, hey, the kids aren’t doing too bad. Then that sweet little couple made a big mistake. They tried to talk to my 2 year old. The shyest 2 year old this side of the Rocky Mountains. She cried and cried and cried. Cleaning with a 2 year old in your arms proves to be difficult. Just then my BFF called to see what I was doing and happily came and got all the kids while I finished up my chores. Man, I love that BFF! Went home for lunch and forced a ‘Quiet Time’ on everyone (man, they were getting grumpy!!). They all fell asleep. {Insert angelic chorus of Hallelujahs here} Found out my 91 year old grandma died after years of illness and pain. A great sense of relief fills my soul. She finally accepted that invitation to the other side and left her broken body behind.I waited till ElRey came home and as soon as he walked through the door, I left for a book signing at Barnes and Nobles. The Shannon Hale talked to me! OMGosh!! It took a lot of energy to keep myself calm and non-crazy. I don’t know how well I succeeded, but it was awesome! We then went over to Amy’s and talked and laughed and talked and laughed till the wee hours of the morning.

(Anyone else bored yet??? Feel free to move on to a cooler blog if you wish!)

Friday- Wake up just as my SIL brings her daughter and I am sporting a wicked bed head which is surprising considering I wasn’t in it long. The day begins with the question, “Can we go to the pool today?” which is repeated endlessly(137 times) while I respond with a solid, “I don’t know”, hoping for something better to come along. I finally give in and take them all to the pool. Last for 2 hours in a loud, suffocating, chlorine filled indoor pool. We made it home and before I could even make it up the stairs, my niece has zonked on the couch, wet swimsuit and all and only 20 minutes before her mom is due back. I got a call from a friend and have to say yet another painful ‘No’ to dinner and a movie so I can actually see my husband. We enjoy an episode of What Not to Wear while I fall asleep. I know, major hot date!

Saturday-ElRey moved his parents from their house to their apartment. All. Day. Long. From the moment we woke up to after 8PM! I went to lunch with my BFF in town (hmmmmm cheese fries…..) while my children ran all over the restaurant and people gave me wicked stares. After that I had had enough fun.  Me and the girls tried out our new popcorn popper and I kept hoping my husband would walk through the door.

Sunday- We hit our niece's Homecoming, luncheon afterwards, ElRey went to get a fridge from his parents. When he came back I headed out for a GNO!! Whoo!! Okay, it was my grandma’s viewing but it was pretty jammin’! I went by myself so I could just be there with my family and not worry about my kids tipping over the coffin or anything. After that I hung out with 3 of my brothers and an SIL till 2AM!! Laughed my butt off!

I am so tired and bored from reminiscing about this very looonnng week! Sorry, to bore you! Maybe I will expound later but once again I am being paged for something else-moving in a fridge. If you don’t see me around, just know my life is not my own and I have no control! AAAAACCCKK!!! Someone save me!!!

The Best Night EVER!!

Dreams do come true! I’m the ridiculously giddy one in the brown shirt.

Proof that we are BFF!!

“For Mindi- Who pulled me out of that foxhole in Nam. BFFs forever, Shannon Hale”

What do you mean, I gotta get a job??

{Is anyone else having a difficult time getting a blog post done?? I swear, between trying to get to bed early, play ‘cruise director’ for my kids and my niece I am babysitting, trying to keep my house under control and say an occasional ‘hi’ to my husband, it has taken me since Sunday to write this! So you better love it and comment the heck out of it!! hee hee}

My children have asked me on several occasions why I don’t get a job and send them to daycare. Daycare is apparently the bomb in their little perspective and, trust me, there are days where that is very, very tempting. Job or not. I’ve never been a ‘have a job’ kinda gal. I’m not really a fan. Sure, I love having money but having to report somewhere at a certain time every day and stay till a certain time, follow rules and answer to someone? Yeah, not so much. I’m pretty sure I am destined to just be a ‘kept woman’.

I have had many a job in my short life. I’ve worked in mailrooms, a photo lab (how do you look a man in the eye when you just developed pictures of his wife/girlfriend in lingerie or him in nothing but chaps and a cowboy hat??), a video store (never ever put Sixteen Candles on the monitors even though it says it’s PG! Two words for you-“Frontal Nudity”!! Not that that ever happened to me…) and Dairy Queen (“Why are my pants getting tighter??”). Recently I have been a crossing guard (even though they work for the police department, there is a reason those guards aren’t issued guns! It’s just best for everyone!), babysitter and housekeeper. Obviously, I don’t have a whole lot of marketable skills.

Out of all of them I have two favorites. The first one, a courier. I was a courier for the photo lab and later, a medical billing office. I drove some beat up little car around the valley while blaring whatever heavy metal or rock music was on the radio. Occasionally a wicked awesome mix tape would be produce for my daily excursions. The windows would be down with the wind rushing through my hair. It was like mini road trips every day. I even had to pull over every now and then in some random parking lot because I would be so drowsy and use my 15 minute break for a quick nap. Even though I would always wake up in a panic thinking I slept too long, though I never did, I was always very glad I stopped.

Having issues with authority, being out on the road always made me feel like a free bird released from the cage of a cubicle. Free from the watchful eye of “The (wo)MAN”.

My favorite thing to do while I was out was to stop at an Einstein’s Bagels for a chocolate chip bagel and a Diet Coke. I went there so often that the dude behind the counter once said, “you sure like these, don’t you.” To which I replied, “They are pretty much the best EVER!” The charming teenager then said, “Well, good thing they are low fat.”

I didn’t got to that one for a while after that.

The second job was being a job coach for Kevin. When I first started working for this company, which took care of mentally handicapped individuals through group homes, job coaching and other activities, I worked at group homes. There I would assist the residence in getting ready, daily activities and keeping them calm and happy. One I worked in home housed 4 boys. I either had to get the 16 year old or 8 year old ready for school. I was really nervous about that since it required giving them a shower. Let’s just say their backs and chest were always REALLY clean on my days. I didn’t do that for long!

I also worked an occasional graveyard shift where I would make the meals for the next day, clean the house and just be there in case they needed me. I took work out videos, food, movies, anything to keep me awake. I learned that while a good movie helps you stay awake, you should never use Jesus of Nazareth to try to stay awake. Great movie and yet a great lullaby. No matter how intense it gets between Jesus and his Apostles, Jon the Baptist and Herod or Pilate and that joke called a trail, YOU WILL NOT BE AWAKE TO SEE IT!!

Kevin’s job coach was quitting so he was in need of a new one. I applied for and got the job. Kevin worked as an usher at the Sandy Movies 9 long before it became a $1 theater. Basically, I was there to make sure he acted appropriately and and was doing his job properly. If he was I could just sit there, munch on popcorn and all the soda I wanted while reading a book, watching a movie, or flirting with management. If he wasn’t I had to keep him from trying to break his ankle or wrist or apologize to customers if while he was ripping their ticket he said, “First door to your left, enjoy your f***ing movie!” Yeah, that was awkward. It usually took just talking to him in a quiet room till he calmed down and most of the time he was great.

He was happy with me and I with him. I truly enjoyed going to work. He loved spiders, plastic, metal, giant paper clips, safety pins and carabineers, pink and purple, The Beatles and Grease. It was driving him to work each day, listening to that soundtrack, especially “Grease Lightening”, when I discovered what John Travolta was really singing about. Dirty, dirty boy!!(I was going to do a link so you can witness for yourself but I just couldn’t, dirty, dirty, dirty!!)

We would go to my mom’s house for lunch before he had to be to work, he loved my mom, but really, she is impossible to resist. Whenever he would see me or my mom he would say, “Hullooo, Mindi”, or Hullooo, Paula” in a sing songy voice with an occasional hum at the end. After he would eat, if we had time, he would sit in my room and listen to music and bounce on my bed-feet firmly planted on the ground. One day I went in to tell him it was time to go. I sat next to him and he scooted closer to me, stared longingly at me from the corner of his eye and said, “Mindi, I like your big body hummmmm….”

Thanks, Kev.

Another time he went missing at work. I couldn’t find him anywhere and I was doing his job. I started looking in the theaters even though I wouldn’t think I would find him there. He just never tried to watch a movie while at work. But there he was in Jumanji, enjoying the spider scene. I pulled him out to find out what was going on.

Mindi: “Kevin, what are you doing in the movie? You know you can’t watch movies when you are working!”

Kevin(giggling): “I like the spiders, Mindi!”

M: “I know you like the spiders but you need to be doing your job.”

K: “I like the spiders because they remind me of biig haairry breaasts…hmmmm.”

M(trying not to fall on the floor laughing): “Um…alright…I don’t know whose breasts you’re seeing but whatever….just get back to work, okay?”

While I loved watching Braveheart, While You Were Sleeping, French Kiss, and Seven(mostly for the Bowie song at the end) over and over again, enjoying all the popcorn and Diet Coke I could possibly consume, great friends and no authority watching every move I make, the one thing I loved most was Kevin became a part of my family. Everyone loved him and we still talk about him today. He came to Thanksgiving dinners, 4th of July parties or just a nice evening at my mom’s. In fact, some of my friend’s and I still greet each other with, “Hullooo, Mindi, Hulllooo Robyn, I like your big body…”

I loved that guy and hope he is doing well.

Now I can’t stop thinking about those darn chocolate chip bagels!! Or hairy breasts…

Do you have a favorite job or experience at work?

Dancing Queen

There was once a young girl named…Cindi. She was about to embark on the adventure called high school and she, like Martin Luther King, Jr. and ABBA, had a dream. A dream to be cool. How does one become cool in high school? That’s right, join the drill team.

Cindi knew that with her 3 years of clogging training as a child and a whole year of training in 9th grade dance class she was ready for the ultimate try out. Forget that she has never done the splits, didn’t know a pirouette from a plie and didn’t own a leotard. She could do step aerobics with great skill and coordination, only tripping over the bench once or twice. She signed up for auditions with hope and determination the likes no one had ever seen in her.

There was a week long camp of dance moves and rules. The young hopefuls were taught a simple dance for the try outs and the drill team members gladly helped their possible new sisters. Cindi practiced those moves in every spare moment she had. The one thing she knew was holding her back was her lack of flexibility and the perfect split. Lucky for her, her brother happened to be dating a dancer. She saw the grand potential his younger sister possessed (or the potential to earn brownie points with said brother, and probably his mom) and wanted to help. When Cindi wasn’t at the drill camp, she was in her front room practicing and stretching with her brother’s skilled girlfriend. She almost got a full split by the end of the week and she had the dance number perfect. She knew her dream would be fulfilled.

The day of the audition came, along with nerves and excitement. Cindi was armed with big hair, a (borrowed) leotard over spandex shorts with a thick belt going through the back of the leotard and cinching up in the front, creating the illusion of girlish curves (she was a bit of a late bloomer).

Her name was called.

She entered the dance studio with three other hopefuls. There she was, in the middle, the tallest and ‘biggest boned’ of the three, heart pounding in her chest and palms sweating. Someone started the music and everyone started twirling about, kicking and smiling big, except one. Cindi’s mind had drawn a complete blank. There she stood in the middle of the dance floor, laughing, not knowing what to do. The judges looked on as the dancers moved with grace around the proverbial and literal elephant in the room. The three minute song felt like an eternity for all present. Will the song ever end?

Thankfully, it did. The girls exited, two of them doing all they can to not look at the third who was hysterically giggling at her dream shattered on the dance floor.

While her dream of being cool never came to be, Cindi held her head high through the next three years while skipping math class and PE and, of course, making fun of the drill team and cheerleaders.

They rued the day they didn’t let Cindi and her array of flannel shirts join the in crowd!

Although I can’t relate with Cindi’s plight *ahem*, any of you have an embarrassing moment you care to share?