Things to Smile About

You know, it’s hard to come up with positive happy things while your 6 year old is having a huge hissy in the corner during a time out but I am up to the challenge. bring it on, Emmy! ;) <----------- *notice wink, creepy but better than a “j/k”, which Emmy said is “so 1990’s” hahahahah <--------*notice the hahahaha which is also very 1990’s but I cannot bring myself to embrace “lol” It makes me feel like a 50 year old trying to dress like an 18 year old. Lol is the halter top to my over tanned, botoxed, fake boobed 50 year old.

But I digress.

Without further ado, my smiley list:

1. In an attempt to become the best family history consultant for my area I can be, I’ve been trying to learn as much as I can about all of it. While looking through my various ancestral lines I have found 3 lines that go all the way back to Adam and Eve! While there may be questions of total accuracy, the lines have me related to Scottish, Irish, Normandy, and Trojan kings! I’m still trying to get a hold of a crown and some of the family jewels but I am so on it!

2.I celebrated another birthday and realized I’ve made it through 34 years without any life changing mistakes-which is huge for me because I make a lot of mistakes! Luckily, none of them have landed me in prison, rehab, or, worse, the Dr. Phil show. My friend decorated my house for like the 6th year in a row!

  It says, “Let’s make some noise for the birthday girl” and she taped up a bunch of noise makers all over-the kids loved that part.

3. I am half way through my half marathon training and feeling pretty good. Expect for that one time we tried to run up a trail (which is the kind of run the race is) and I lasted about .5 mile. That is much shorter than 13.1 miles. But the best part was when my friend had a sudden urge to leave mother nature a gift! Does a bear poop in the woods? I don’t know, but my friend does! baaahahahaha I love to be running again! Here’s a picture from the top of the mountain we hiked/ran. That makes me smile!

 

4.  To go along with that, I {heart} my fanny pack.

 

5. Flying with the help of family and a sturdy blanket.

6. Giant tires and buckets of cold water.

 

7.  The construction that was blocking our neighborhood and creating 3 times the amount of useless traffic down my quiet street has finally moved up the road! Anyone who lives in Utah knows there are 2 seasons here, winter and construction. It is getting old. I’m just glad it’s moved out of my front yard!

8. It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Yes, that’s right, school is back in session. Nuff said.

9.  Yoga and babies that do it.

10.  Did I mention the kids are back in school??

So if that list didn’t make you smile I don’t know what will! What do you have to smile about? Link up with Emmy and play along!

Confessional

I’m glad to be sitting here writing on my wicked awesome blog of awesomeness. I have missed it so much! I hope with school back in I can think clearly enough to write my useless thoughts down for all to enjoy. So here’s a few for ya’ll to nibble on..(what the hell am I talking about??)

I confess:

• I’m watching Juno again.
• One of the best shows ever.
• “Next time I see that Bleeker kid I’m gonna punch him in the wiener!”
• BAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
• ElRey’s been at a meeting all night and I kinda wish he wasn’t.
• Although, some times when he’s gone I feel like a kid who has been left at home while her parents go out.
• I’d much rather be with him but when he’s gone and the kids are in bed I can’t decide if I should watch reruns of Friends, my favorite movies, read a book, play on the internets, eat stuff that disgusts him, jump on the bed or draw on the wall.
• Not that he treats me like a child very often ever.
• I have a ridiculous fear of heights.
• I went face to face with my fear. And not just of unflattering harnesses (yeah, it’s totally the harness’ fault) and helmets that make your IQ plummet (totally the helmet’s fault):

• When I got to the top, it took everything in me to stop myself from latching on to my bishop (who was getting everyone hooked up on the line of fear and wet pants) like a koala bear and scream for my mommy.
• Before I gave into my instincts, I jumped:

• I know what you’re thinking: “She’s beauty and she’s grace…”
• When my ride came to a stop, I almost kicked the kids waiting in line in the shins just to get another turn.
• But I refrained.
• I waited my turn like a good girl.
• After using my “Adult Credentials” to butt in line.
• This was the same trip where I just knew I wasn’t going to make it to a bathroom so I went behind a tree and realized after the fact that I was squatting over some kind of stingy plant.
• My buttcheeks were a’ burnin for about an hour.
• I think winking is kinda creepy.(I tell you this after I just told you about my burning buttcheeks…nice..)
• I catch myself winking often.
• Especially in type form ;)
• I keep setting my alarm just to sleep through it.
• It makes me feel like I’m trying.
• Which reminds me, I need to set my alarm so I can hit the snooze button in a few hours..
• Why on earth would my husband treat me like a kid???

The one that made you wonder if she really is nuts…

**This post is best experienced when you imagine me with crazy eyes, pacing, arms flailing and slightly yelling in a high pitched, manic voice. You’ll have to use your imagination on this one seeings how I don’t do vlogs, 1) Because I’m not smart enough, B) They just seem too complicated for my lazy butt and, III) I have the flesh eating bacteria on my face a cold sore. And who wants to see that in HD?!….Are vlogs even in HD???

I feel like I have been in constant battle mode for at least 3 months but probably more. I am constantly having to gird my loins for attacks from all sides. It’s not even one Goliath type enemy, it’s a million little things! I fight to get myself to go to bed at a decent time, usually fail, and then struggle to wake up at a decent time in the morning and usually fail. My kids are getting up 2-3 hours before me so just imagine the damage they do in that time! I struggle with myself to do what I should do as opposed to what I want to do-clean the house vs. read a book/not yell at my kids vs. yell at my kids/ eat some more vs. actually stopping before I want to vomit. I fight with my kids about their chores, playing on the computer, who hit who, who peed on the floor, spending money, what a terrible mother I am, etc. etc…

Something has happened to my children and I don’t know what it is. It’s either, A) They are possessed by demons and their heads will start spinning any second, B) I am in another bad remake of The Village of the Damned minus Christopher Reeves and Mark Hammill. Oh, and my kids are no where near as smart as those kids…hey, I said it was a bad remake…C) They are bored with summer, or, D) They are secretly plotting my ignominious demise with sheer torture and tattle-telling.

My money is on A or D.

One of the high points of the past few days is when I told a daughter that she “could take her drama and shove it in her ear!” I was so impressed with myself because I didn’t say ass. That’s right, gold star for me.

Frankly, people, I am tired.

I have come to realize I cannot do what I really want to do about it-run away screaming, take off in the car and tell no one where I am going and just let someone else deal with it-so I have tried the more spiritual approach the past couple days. I even made it to the temple today. I tell ya, I even breathe differently there! Granted, sometimes I am so at peace there that I often fall asleep, but it’s almost like hiking to the highest peak of a mountain and once you get there taking the most refreshing breath of fresh air you’ve ever experienced. It’s that good.

But then I come home and my jaw clenches back up, my breath becomes more shallow and that good feeling is gone within 5 minutes of walking through the door and listening to the immediate whine for an ice cream cone.

My birthday is coming up and one of my daughters asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Without hesitation I said, “I want to be alone, in a room, with a Diet Coke.”

She was like, “No, what do you want as a gift?” I promptly repeated my request and we went back and forth for a bit till I finally told her she can just get me a Diet Coke. Her cute little mind couldn’t comprehend why on earth any one would want to be alone for their birthday. She doesn’t understand that that’s just the gift that keeps on giving. For me to demonstrate, it will require a list with bullets. Sorry.

Why Mom’s Birthday Gift Should Be A Whole Day Alone In A Room With A Giant Diet Coke.

• 67 less times I would have to give a rat’s a$$ who has been on the computer longer.
• 22 less times I have to ask a 3 year old if she wants to put her poo-poo/pee-pee in the potty.
• 435 less moments of tattle telling and me pretending I care.
• When food is brought and left at the door for me, when I open it up I don’t have to hear how disgusting it is or have fingers in it or have to share. I never have learned how to share very well.
• 14 less times I get a knee to the crotch and/or pancreas.
• I won’t have to listen to the Disney Channel, Nick Jr. or Sprout for an entire day!
• I wouldn’t have to recount every conversation or text I receive in the utmost detail.
• I wouldn’t have to clean one single dish as anything I would use would be disposable.
• I get an entire day of not giving a damn about anyone’s chores and whether or not they did them.
• Any bodily functions I deal with will be entirely my own.
• There is no shame, guilt or humiliation allowed in my Special Happy Birthday Room of Joy and Specialness.

I want to go to there…

I think I’m hormonal.

I KNOW I need extensive Diet Coke and chocolate therapy!

A Mother’s Love Only Goes So Far…

This kid likes to be tickled. A lot. I’ve never seen anything like it! She’s always ready to be tickled. The other day, my husband attacked with tickle bombs, torpedoes and the occasional claw. She is pretty fun to tickle.

This is when he decides it’s a good time to teach her the principles of Justice and Mercy. As he is tickling her, he tells her there is a need for Justice in all things. That we all have to suffer the consequences of our actions. Her actions? Being super cute, thus, super ticklable. Consequences? Getting attacked with “the claw”.

But, he says, there is one who can take your consequences upon herself and take the tickling for you. She can have Mercy and take away the chance of tinkling in your undies. She can fight of “the claw” and laugh till she snorts for you. All the while he is staring at me with a wicked gleam in his eye while I vehemently shake my head ‘no’. And when he attacked, I quickly swatted him away, growling through my clenched teeth, “Don’t you dare!”

You see, I will do anything for my kids. I will be vomited on, change stinky diapers, clean up messes and even play a board game. I would beat up any bully willingly, give them the food off my plate, the Diet Coke from my cup and chase away any monsters in their closets. I would kill for them and even die for them.

But I will not be tickled for them. That is where I draw the line.

Sorry, kid, you’re on your own.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving…

Back when I was a younger version of myself, I went on a trip with my parents. For whatever reason my oldest brother didn’t join us, I think he couldn’t get out of work or something. Much to my parent’s delight we came home to a drum set in out basement. The joy that exuded from my parents at the idea my brother had found his calling in life as a drummer was palpable.

Sadly, the set was merely a rental and in just a few days time, it was gone. Along with my brother’s dream of being a rock star.

Phew.

My baby has had a birthday and the joy of finding her a present fell in my incapable hands. This kid is so easy going and has so many fun things to play with, I didn’t know what to do for a present. When my mom asked what to get her all I could mutter was, “I have no idea.”

As I was wandering the fluorescently lit halls of Hell Walmart wondering if I should just cave and buy another baby doll, I saw this:

Yes, you read that right. It is ‘fun in a drum’! She now has the beginning of her own band-drums, with sticks, a tambourine, harmonica and some sort of flutey/recorder thingy.

I am already regretting it may one day look back on this and wonder what I was thinking. My father to this day looks back on my brother’s quick love affair with the drums as one horrible weekend so when I told him what I got for my daughter he laughed and said, “you can bring her to visit, but leaves the drum at home!”

But how can you keep a star from shining?? I mean, look at her:

 

I mean, did Einstein’s mom ever get mad at him for burning a hole in her table with his chemistry set? Did Benjamin Franklin’s dad ever call him a sissy for playing with kites or his glasses? Did Tommy Lee’s mom ever say, “quit getting so many tattoos, you look like a freak!! And lay off the crack and eat a burger, what are you, 90 lbs now??” Probably. But she never stopped him from playing the drums. Except maybe when she wanted him to get her a beer or something….

So play on, my child prodigy! You just rock right on!

I’ll just invest in some earplugs.