Slight progress

So I told you guys about how I wanted to give myself the best birthday present possible- to be my best self and content in my own skin. Well, I thought I’d tell you about my slight progress in the days since.

I’ve actually opened my scriptures or a church magazine every day since. I've been more conscious of saying my prayers each night, too. I’m just glad I keep remembering! My brain is in ‘pathetic mode’ and I forget many things. Except for the all important movie quotes, bad jokes and lame trivia, of course. Wouldn’t want to forget that crap.

I even wrote in a gratitude journal. Course, it was stuff like “I’m glad I gave the girls a bath last night so I don’t have to deal with it today” or “I’m grateful I don’t have elephantitis or a pegged-leg”. Hey, it wasn’t much but gratitude is gratitude, right?

But then I tripped over my high heels on my way home from church, twisted my ankle and almost kissed the pavement and I thought, that’s what I get for going to church! Or, maybe I shouldn’t wear high heels. I could probably get  a doctor’s note to get out of that fashion must.

I can’t seem to get the yoga thing going as much as I would like. I haven’t done it a ton but enough to know it would be very beneficial and it just feels so good. My problem is the gym only has it at 8 am or 7pm which are both not good times for me with school and bedtime business. I’ve tried videos which work great, I just have kids thinking I’m playing London Bridges or Horsey so it’s not exactly relaxing.

I have this one DVD that I stole borrowed from my parents which is all fine and dandy but it’s led by this guy named Baron Baptiste. He looks like a guy who owns a white van and trolls for unsuspecting young women in dark alleys. Then his little drones that are doing the workout with him in the background are all wearing grey biker shorts and sports bras (the guys are topless) and grey is not flattering in tight clothing. Even I know that. Plus, it shows sweat so they’ll have their legs open doing a stretch and they have a big old sweat ring in the crotch and there’s Baron ‘helping’ them in their stretch by pushing on the girl’s inner thigh. Needless to say, it’s all a little awkward and disturbing. Even my 8 year old that was watching it said, “That guy is really creepy…no, seriously, he’s creepy!”

So I went searching for other yoga videos. I trolled the library near my home and discovered they have  a “Biggest Loser” yoga video. With Bob Harper on the cover. I was sold. His face could be on a bag of manure and I’d buy it. Come on! He’s pretty!

Suddenly instead of being disturbed when he touched one of his exercise buddies on the thigh or buttocks, I was insanely jealous. I would sit and watch without even doing the moves, munching on a bag of popcorn, imagining it was my leg he was moving into the correct position. “Oh yeah…you help her with that downward facing dog….stretch that hammy, Bob.” It’s like yoga porn.

Seriously though, would you want to sit and drool over workout with this guy:

OR this guy:

I don’t care if Baron is some kind is guru! In my mind there is no contest! If Bob drove up beside me in a white van and asked to help find his lost puppy (whose name happens to be Karl), I would totally jump in!

What I meant to say was I would totally do his yoga video…it just all came out wrong…

(Did anyone else notice I went from talking about scriptures and prayers to yoga porn? Yeah, I’m totally well rounded..)