Holy Good Crap! My Head is Getting Bigger by the Second!

It’s true, and it’s already freakishly huge so this is dangerous!

I was supposed to get this up earlier but my computer was on the fritz! AGGHH!! I never thought I would say this, but being without a computer all day was like having both arms cut off and my butt cheeks duct taped!

It was that unpleasant.

My house is cleaner than it has been in a long time, though….ssshhhhh….don’t tell my husband…….

OK.

I actually got a Major Award! I was hoping for a bowling alley but this….this is wicked awesome and I really can’t be adding a bowling alley to my house seeings how I don’t even have a laundry room, unless you count the closet my washer and dryer are in and the top of the bed and floor in my bedroom.

But I digress…….

Chief, over at (Hiding From the Kids) , who makes me pee a little, squirt Diet Coke out of my nose and let me be her Facebook friend, gave me the Superior Scribbler Award! I can’t believe it! I don’t even have a speech prepared! I’d like to thank my family for the great material, Chief(seriously, you gotta check out her blog!), for taking pity on me and sending me an award to help me with my rejection issues, My agent, Holden MiGroin and most of all, the gardener…you know why…..

So now I get to pick 5 Blogger friends to honor with this award! Here are the rules, for those I have chosen (it was tough, believe me!!):

• Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.

• Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.

• Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.

• Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!

• Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

And……drumroll…….

1. Emmy Mom @ One Day At A Time for her great photography and being such a great mom with great ideas!

2. Rachel @ The Benjamin Bunch for making me think and feel every time I read her blog and for coming back to the blogger world!

3. Mrs. B Roth @ The Mysterious Mrs. B. Roth for always keeping it real!

4. Rhonda @ Rhonda’s Reality for being a great ‘newbie’ while opening my eyes to another reality!

5. Jana @ Profound Perils of Wisdom for being the sister of my husband and always keeping it positive!

All of these ladies totally rock and I look forward to each update! Check ‘em out!

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Next, I get to be apart of a story chain, like the ‘telephone game’ where each person adds a piece of the story! My friend, Rachel, invited me to take part in the story. Each sentence is a contribution from a blogger, just click on it and it should take you to their blog. Here’s what we got so far. Enjoy!

A Writer-Mama’s Tale –
The Seduction of Vintage Grapes

Even the crickets had rested their legs when she sat back in her chair and sighed with a final sip of vintage grapes. Darkness swallowed……..

the sob that threatened to tear from throat as she watched her only child drive away. What did he know about the world outside of….

our small town. Was he ready for what laid ahead of him? Her lip quivered as she thought back to the days when….

Jason toddled behind his father through the vineyards and copied his every movement. Mark was young and full of hope and desire then. His face….. ,

now lined from time and stress, still shined with pride for their son. As Jason's car drove away, they…

embraced as the breeze, pregnant with the scent of ripe grapes, swirled around them. Their eyes remained transfixed on the car until....

Mark cleared the emotional phlegm from his throat and held his faded blue goblet aloft.“Here’s to new beginnings.” Her first instinct was…

To rip off all her clothes and run through her newly empty nest stark naked while screaming, "I'm free! I'm free!" But there was time enough for that later. For now she…

Tune in tomorrow, Sept. 22, at my sister-from-another-mother, Melissa, to find out what happens next!

PS- Thanks for all the comments on my last post (just scroll down, I don’t have the energy to do ANOTHER hyperlink!! Those can be soo exhausting!). It’s always great to know you are not alone and I love you all!

I want ribs.

having technical difficulties........stay tuned....

I know there’s gotta be some joy somewhere around here!

I always thought that children were supposed to bring out the best in you. I thought with each child came more patience, compassion and selflessness. All it seems to bring is  a looser bladder, bras for support and not just for show, and an unhealthy love of elastic waistbands. I will say I have had my handful of moments where I think, “nice one, Jeppson!” but those are few are far between. Most the time I am thinking, “how early is too early for a Diet Coke(7am okay?) and is there any chocolate in this house(NO, which is why I’m munching on animal crackers shaped like Winnie the Pooh and friends!!)??”

It seems the only thing my kids have brought out in me is anger I had no idea was even existent in my body! I feel like most the time every orifice (hehe I said orifice hehe) is clenched in anger, even my pores feel pissed off! It kills me that all my husband has to come home to is the wicked witch of the west in stretchy pants and an oversized T-shirt screaming, “Where’s my Diet Coke and you better take your children or they may be destroyed!!”

The other day I had one of those “Wow, They Should Really Make People Get a License to Have a Kid Days”. I have 3 blissful hours of a quiet house before my 2 year old wakes from a nap, and 2 tired and cranky girls come home from school. Then I enjoy whining, trying to get dinner ready, homework, reading, “I’m starving” and a 2 year old who can make a serious mess in 1.5 seconds. All the while I am trying to remain positive and light when what I want to do is run out of the house screaming and renting my clothing in pure insanity. The 2 year old had destroyed one more thing passed her daily quota and I lost it screaming at everyone in the room and stomping to my bedroom muttering and crying like a pouting 3 year old. Just as ElRey came walking in the door from work.

ElRey is such a lucky man.

As I sat in my room sobbing and shaking I was pleading with God about what I am doing wrong. I told Him I am hating almost every minute of this and there just doesn’t seem to be any joy in this parenting crap, or at least, not enough. How do I keep going when it’s so hard 80-90% of the time?? Where is the joy?? How do I do this without being consumed in anger and general pissiness? Most of the time I am so tired of trying I can’t even bring myself to care let alone do anything about it.

Later that night, after I calmed down, I was sitting in the living room with ElRey and my kids. Audrey turned on some music and her and Lily began dancing around the room giggling. There were a couple times I even joined in-until I was too dizzy to do anymore. As I was laughing at my girl’s cuteness, I heard a voice in my head say, “here’s the joy, can you see it?”

I not only saw it but I wrapped myself up in it.

Since then I keep bring that memory back to my mind, especially during the crappy times. I have even been able to see it a little more each day. I’m not saying I am suddenly full of joy and seeing everything through rose colored glasses. I am still pretty pissy but I stop for a second or two to witness what is mine.

For instance:

• Lily speaking in Spanish and Chinese thanks to TV. Who said TV is bad??
• Watching my Audrey walking home with my Annie from school while they hold hands.
• Audrey and Annie laying on the couch while Audrey helped Annie read a book.
• Annie telling me she has a crush on a boy in her class because he’s so ‘handsome’.
• Annie getting her first library card and carrying it around with her everywhere she goes.
• Lily standing at the laundry closet begging for her blanky I had just put in the wash and her joy when it came out of the drier.

There is joy. There is a lot of joy.

I still need chocolate, though.

Things I am not a fan of though I thought I would be.

The words “Watch this!” There is something about hearing your child say these words, knowing you will watch 15 minutes of, “Oops, wait. That wasn’t it…” The best is when all three children are saying it while flailing themselves around my tiny living/family/entertainment/let’s see how many people can be crammed into this room room. Of course, Lily’s version of “watch this” is “mommommommommommom” while I say, “whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat”.

Latex gloves + food industry employees. While I think wearing gloves while preparing food for the masses is a great idea, I do not condone handling doors, cash registers, money and probably picking your nose with those same gloved hands. I do believe it defeats the purpose. Am I right? I often wonder if they even bother washing their hands, “hey, I am wearing gloves anyway, why wash??”

Going full time in school while being a mom. I love being a student-opening my cranial doors to more knowledge, meeting new people and I love being a mom (mostly), changing diapers, reading stories, getting to know new little people as they grow into adulthood. The only problem is, these two great things do not mix well. They are like oil and water. If you shake them up they mix but only for a few short moments before science and chemistry (is that chemistry? I don’t know seeings how I failed it…) pulls them apart. That’s okay. I am managing. I wouldn’t say I am managing well but it’s working on some level. My friend, Karlie, who did the full time student/mom thing, told me when I started, “Take random pictures of your kids during this time. You won’t remember how they were if you don’t.” That hurts my blood pumper but I am trying to balance it all the best I can. I know this is what I should be doing, and I wouldn’t change it for anything but I just need to figure out that whole time-management thing.

Bathroom hand dryers. I always thought they were such a sanitary and less wasteful way to dry your hands. That is until my BFF showed me the light. Now all I think about when those are on is all the poo particles being blown on my hands and in the air. It totally changes that scene in Desperately Seeking Susan, doesn’t it??

Thanks for that, Amber.

Speaking of fanship or the lack there of, whenever I am on Facebook, I wonder if I am less of a Mormon if I am not a fan of “LDS Missionaries” or “LDS Temples” or at least 3 apostles and 1 prophet, preferably the living one. Will that one day be on the Temple Recommend Interview Questions? (Although, I have no problem with other people becoming ‘fans’-see?? Even on Facebook you are more righteous than me!)

“Have you properly shown your loyalty to the Church through Facebook?”

“Um…what does that have to do with my testimony and my worthiness, Bishop?”

“I’m sorry, Sis. Jeppson, I’ve noticed you aren’t a fan of Elder Uchtdorf or “Ward Temple Night” on Facebook. Come back in six months and we’ll see if we can get you temple worthy by then.”

I’m just sayin.

Send in the Clowns…actually, don’t..just pass the cake…

Aw, clowns. They are so happy, silly and endowed with feet.

But, I hate clowns.

In fact, I am pretty sure that Satan was actually dressed as a clown when he was busy beguiling Eve. He was dancing around, offering her knowledge like candy and fresh produce all to make her wise, all while making balloon animals. I wonder if it was hard to take him seriously. Adam didn’t take it for a second but Eve, apparently loved a good laugh. And a pink latex poodle. And apples.

When God said, “thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life” what he really meant was, “you will drive in a ridiculously small car so full of clowns it will drag it’s belly on the ground”.

It’s true. I know it.

My hatred for clowns started at an early age. In kindergarten the powers that be thought it a great idea to have a clown come for some entertainment. The moment that crazy thing walked in the gym, my fear and dislike of them was born. I had to be removed from the premises while kicking and screaming.

Then my dad took me and my brothers to see Poltergeist (after I begged and begged to go with them). Now, not only are clowns big mouthed, big footed, and just weird, they now try to strangle you during a thunder storm! Even if they are just a doll! I don’t think I need to even go on with what Stephen King did with clowns. If he’s involved, it certainly isn’t rainbows and butterflies!

Abominations!

My good friend from my old work married a clown! When he first told me she was a clown, my palms started sweating, I wet my pants and stuttered the rest of day. Luckily, I never saw her in her work attire or I could never look her in the eye without crying, “Find a happy place, find a happy place!” while rocking back and forth and sucking my thumb. Plus, she can ride a unicycle. That’s just wicked cool. And in spite of her career goals, she’s freakin awesome!

As long as she doesn’t pull out the red nose and start making balloon animals. If that happens I will gladly run the other way while screaming.

Random thoughts on a Tuesday evening.

I hate math. I know in my brain somewhere is a door. Behind that door is where God stored all my mathematical genius. Only problem is the door is locked, I am peeking through the key hole but there is no key to be found. It may be with my car keys in that vortex in the closet. Math is for people who don’t know how to make real friends so they make up imaginary friends or play Dungeons and Dragons 3 times a week. Imaginary numbers???? Seriously??? “I can’t solve this problem with real numbers…I know, Snuffleupagus, I’ll make up ‘imaginary numbers’ to solve the problem!” And that, my friends, is how algebra was born. My own personal Hell would be days spent trying to figure out story problems but I keep plugging the numbers in the wrong place and messing up my +/-. But seriously, IMAGINARY NUMBERS???? Come on!!

I took my 2 daughters to Cecret Lake (Yes, that is really how it is spelled, I am not kidding.) on Labor Day. So did everyone else within a 20 mile radius of the canyon. not only did I have to carry myself, which according to a couple recent doctors , I am pretty substantial, but I carried a backpack full of water and jackets and I got to drag my 5 year old up and down the mountain while dodging 435 other families dragging their little children up/down the mountain. All this without an ounce of Diet Coke in my bloodstream to help me cope. There is nothing I like less then having to take her hiking(besides math). It is all complaining and dragging, complaining and dragging. But for some reason she still really likes it and always wants to go. The poor thing fell in the water, though, and she was wet all the way back. Between meeting up with people, getting up the canyon, taking the shuttles and making it back down the canyon, it took us 6 hours. 6 hours for a 40 minute hike. There is really no place else I’d rather be, I just didn’t plan for a whole day excursion. It was beautiful. It is a great hike for little kids and little time-just not on a holiday! Please for the love of all that is right and good in this world DO NOT go on a holiday!!

I cannot bring myself to watch the news. I hate it! One, I can’t watch it because there are children around all the time and I really don’t want them to hear about some dude cutting up his girlfriend, putting her in a suitcase and then hanging himself, call me crazy but I don’t really want to explain that. Two, politics piss me off big time! Everyone is right and yelling to try to convince everyone around them that they know the answer. I am really under-informed and I am sorry for that but I just can’t handle it. I don’t think anyone gives you the full truth, it is always biased. Except for Steve Colbert. He’s spot on. Oh, and Facebook. All I need to ever know is on Facebook. What more do I need, really?! I found out about health care reform, presidential speeches and the fact that Michael Jackson, Farah Faucet, John Hughes, and Ted Kennedy all died  from Facebook. Who needs CNN or FOX News??

There is a new show on Nick/Noggin called “The Fresh Beat Band”. I try to avoid it, frankly, but my kids have been indoctrinated with all the previews and such so they think it’s the new coolest thing. Here is my problem with it. There are 4 young adults that sing. 2 boys, 2 girls. One of the girls, the red head, I swear used to be on Days of Our Lives. Yes, I had a couple years of addiction to that asinine show. While I watched it, Steve(Patch) and Kayla showed back up along with their daughter, Stephanie, who was, you guessed it a famous racecar driver. This is who is now on this “Fresh Beat Band” show. I can’t help but except her to start a torrid affair with the beep boppin’ kid only to fall in love with the other dude and steal him away from the other girl, find out that she and her new lover are really brother and sister (which is totally possible because he is African-American and she is a redhead), she dies in a car crash only to come back 2 years later with their twin babies and a British accent. You see why I must avoid this annoying show?? And math??

Oh, how I hate math! And clowns…but that is a story for another day…