I know there’s gotta be some joy somewhere around here!

I always thought that children were supposed to bring out the best in you. I thought with each child came more patience, compassion and selflessness. All it seems to bring is  a looser bladder, bras for support and not just for show, and an unhealthy love of elastic waistbands. I will say I have had my handful of moments where I think, “nice one, Jeppson!” but those are few are far between. Most the time I am thinking, “how early is too early for a Diet Coke(7am okay?) and is there any chocolate in this house(NO, which is why I’m munching on animal crackers shaped like Winnie the Pooh and friends!!)??”

It seems the only thing my kids have brought out in me is anger I had no idea was even existent in my body! I feel like most the time every orifice (hehe I said orifice hehe) is clenched in anger, even my pores feel pissed off! It kills me that all my husband has to come home to is the wicked witch of the west in stretchy pants and an oversized T-shirt screaming, “Where’s my Diet Coke and you better take your children or they may be destroyed!!”

The other day I had one of those “Wow, They Should Really Make People Get a License to Have a Kid Days”. I have 3 blissful hours of a quiet house before my 2 year old wakes from a nap, and 2 tired and cranky girls come home from school. Then I enjoy whining, trying to get dinner ready, homework, reading, “I’m starving” and a 2 year old who can make a serious mess in 1.5 seconds. All the while I am trying to remain positive and light when what I want to do is run out of the house screaming and renting my clothing in pure insanity. The 2 year old had destroyed one more thing passed her daily quota and I lost it screaming at everyone in the room and stomping to my bedroom muttering and crying like a pouting 3 year old. Just as ElRey came walking in the door from work.

ElRey is such a lucky man.

As I sat in my room sobbing and shaking I was pleading with God about what I am doing wrong. I told Him I am hating almost every minute of this and there just doesn’t seem to be any joy in this parenting crap, or at least, not enough. How do I keep going when it’s so hard 80-90% of the time?? Where is the joy?? How do I do this without being consumed in anger and general pissiness? Most of the time I am so tired of trying I can’t even bring myself to care let alone do anything about it.

Later that night, after I calmed down, I was sitting in the living room with ElRey and my kids. Audrey turned on some music and her and Lily began dancing around the room giggling. There were a couple times I even joined in-until I was too dizzy to do anymore. As I was laughing at my girl’s cuteness, I heard a voice in my head say, “here’s the joy, can you see it?”

I not only saw it but I wrapped myself up in it.

Since then I keep bring that memory back to my mind, especially during the crappy times. I have even been able to see it a little more each day. I’m not saying I am suddenly full of joy and seeing everything through rose colored glasses. I am still pretty pissy but I stop for a second or two to witness what is mine.

For instance:

• Lily speaking in Spanish and Chinese thanks to TV. Who said TV is bad??
• Watching my Audrey walking home with my Annie from school while they hold hands.
• Audrey and Annie laying on the couch while Audrey helped Annie read a book.
• Annie telling me she has a crush on a boy in her class because he’s so ‘handsome’.
• Annie getting her first library card and carrying it around with her everywhere she goes.
• Lily standing at the laundry closet begging for her blanky I had just put in the wash and her joy when it came out of the drier.

There is joy. There is a lot of joy.

I still need chocolate, though.