I don’t know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt..

Hi. My name is Mindi. Do you remember me? I remember you. You’re pretty.

Perspective is a beautiful thing, isn’t it?

I have been struggling, in fact, I just asked my husband, “What if my funny has dried up?” It has been a rough year and I find myself wallowing in self pity over my ‘health issues’, financial stuff, my spirituality, blah, blah, blah. I’ve gotten in over my head over here and I am trying to deal with it the best I can.

Let me be clear, I have everything I have ever wanted-wonderful kids that I can be a stay-at-home-mom with, the best and most handsome hubby in the world, I get to go to school for free, the best friends in the world and Diet Coke no further than a mile away. What more could I possibly want?

Nothing. I have it all. I really do.

I went off my meds a while back, I think I told you about that here. And while I am very happy to be off the anti-depressant(welcome back, libido, we’ve missed you. A lot.), going off the Synthroid has come back to bite me in the butt. And guess what, my level is even higher than before, which is not good, so that is awesome. Whatever. I’m just glad to know I don’t have a brain tumor. But it’s back on Synthroid for me. I will accept it now.

My five year old brings out the worst in me almost on a daily basis. I realize it may have something to do with her new semi-independence with kindergarten so I am trying to figure out how to deal with that but most of the time it’s a lot of yelling and that does wonders. Obviously. I caught myself the other day playing Dr. Phil and having an intervention for her. All I got was overhearing her and her friend talk about how mean I am and his mom is way nicer, which she is and I am alright with that. She’s prettier, too, so whatever.

School is hard as hell. But I have an 86% in math. Go me!

What I want no one can give me but me. I want peace. My Savior is standing there reaching out to heal me but I get in my own way with allowing my anger and frustration hinder my every move. I feel as though it all came to a head a couple weeks ago and I am on my way up, it is just a hard road up and I am freaking tired but determined. I know I can make it back up and I know it will take time.

A sister in my ward gave a great talk based on this awesome article. I felt like that was the first time I actually heard a talk in church in a long time. That felt good especially since the week before I was literally on the verge of giving up. That talk helped a lot!

We had an awesome General Conference that I even stayed awake for most of it! I love President Monson and all the apostles. Their words give me peace often. They are good men and truly are called by God.

Here comes the perspective part, 3 parts actually.

1. NieNie Dialogues. Read it. You will be amazed. Just be sure to have some tissues handy.

2. Matt Logelin. He is amazing and such a great father. He’s a cusser so consider yourself warned.

3. My friend, Joy, who is aptly named, I might add. Her tiny little baby died last night only having lived a few difficult days. It isn’t my story so I won’t go into great detail(plus, I don’t have many) but they knew about 3 months into the pregnancy that things were not good for this baby, most of her organs were not in the right places, and they were happily surprised she was born alive. I just think of her holding her baby as she passed away and it makes me want to hold my babies close and never let go.

We all have our hard in life and it’s up to us how we deal with it. I am not always dealing with my minute hard all that well but I get up and keep trying.

The Mormon pioneers did the unthinkable hundreds of years ago. They left the homes they loved, the Temple they just finished building and some even left family and they walked. That’s not even the amazing part. While they walked they starved, buried babies, children, mothers and fathers. They lost possessions, hope fingers and toes. But each day they woke up with the sun. They put on what was left of their tattered shoes, if they were lucky they ate a small meal. And then they walked. The amazing part isn’t what they left behind, that they followed a man they believed to be a Prophet of God with a blinding faith, the loved ones they lost. The amazing part, the most unbelievable part is that they kept walking. Even when they didn’t want to, even after they just buried their small infant in a shallow grave, even when they doubted the man called Prophet, even when they doubted the God who told them to follow. They kept walking.

I want to follow that faith. Even though I don’t always want to ‘keep walking’, even though I don’t always see light at the end of my tunnel, I want to ‘keep walking’. I hope that I will be able to see the beauty at the end of my trail. Better yet, I hope I see it along the way.