I’ll show you “All in your head”, Biotch!

Now that I have your attention with my vulgarity (sorry about that, no other word seem to fit!), let me tell you something that has taken me awhile to be able to talk about freely. Well, I guess just a couple weeks but that’s long for me, so, yeah.

As most of you know, back in February I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. If you remember, I didn’t really get a ton of info and I was just given a prescription and told I’d be taking it for the rest of my life. Although I was very glad to discover what was making me feel so awful, I was very sad that I had a ‘medical problem’, as mild as it may be, that I would need to manage for the rest of my life. I started taking the meds and felt amazingly better in about a month’s time. I still felt that I should probably find a specialist to help me manage it. It didn’t seem to make sense to keep going to my gynecologist for a problem in my neck, as much as I love those stirrups. I kept putting it off because, frankly, I hate going to doctors. I have one I like a lot and wish I could go to him for everything so it’s hard to try to find a new doctor because for every 10 there are about 2 or 3 that are great. If you’re lucky.

It started to feel like my symptoms were coming on and off. I didn’t know if your treated thyroid would do the roller coaster thing but I always wondered, is this because of my thyroid? I started calling those days my ‘thyroid days’ because I would be fine for a while and then all of a sudden I would be a zombie with random aches and pains and couldn’t complete a thought let alone an actual sentence. I would be overwhelmed with the need to cry in a dark corner because of exhaustion and frustration.

It seemed to become more important to see someone about it. I had a lot of questions and symptoms that I wanted to get cleared up and straight. For one thing, I have been on an antidepressant since I was pregnant with my youngest. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself (and my family)at that time. Because of that drug, I wondered if maybe the thyroid meds and the antidepressant were causing problems with each other. Another, is why does it seem to come and go if I am taking my medication properly? I finally made an appointment for a doctor and I was very excited to use my time with her to find out all I could. I knew I was doing the right thing and I would get answers.

I just didn’t like the answers I got.

The first thing she said to me when she walked into the exam room was, “So, why are you here?” I told her for my thyroid and she told me it really wasn’t much of a problem and asked what was bothering me. I told her what I had been feeling and I tried to get everything in there whether it seemed relevant or not. I told her I had recently upped my antidepressant because of a ginormous slight break down I had. I was hoping it would help until I came to see her. It wasn’t going well at all and we decided it would be best to take it back down.

I won’t bore you with the rest of that embarrassing afternoon but I will tell you what I came away with from this doctor.

1. I didn’t really have much of a thyroid problem and any relief I felt from the meds was probably from a ‘placebo effect’.
2. I could keep taking the meds for it if it made me feel better-not physically but in my head, apparently.
3. They couldn’t help me there, I needed to see a psychiatrist-in fact, I kind of wondered if she was resisting the urge to drive me to UNI herself…
4. I was fat because I eat too much, not because of my thyroid and I needed to eat less carbs and more protein.
5. Lastly, I was reminded why I don’t like women doctors. I think they are mean and compassionless. At least the ones I have encountered. They will be the first ones to tell you that you are a fat and crazy cow.

I sat there biting my lip trying not to cry and just get out of there before I broke down. The moment I got out of that building I lost it and sat in my car and sobbed (she was probably watching from her window saying, “see, she is crazy! She’ll probably stop on her way home and eat a dozen donuts, the fatty!” Did I mention she is this short little Asian lady who probably weighs 110 dripping wet???)

I haven’t taken the thyroid medicine since. I went back to my OB and he did more for me than that woman ever could have. He made me feel validated and cared for. I didn’t feel stupid about how I was feeling or for being there and I didn’t feel like a disgusting fatty. I should’ve just started with him in the first place! He told me while my numbers are low, they had recently made a jump which he said screamed abnormal and that is why he put me on the meds. He laughed at her suggestion that what I had felt was  a ‘placebo effect’. I told him how I just want to start all over by getting completely off the antidepressant and see how I feel then which he was behind 100%. I just needed to come back in and have a blood test again if any of the symptoms came back. Plus, he never once told me to eat less carbs. Now that is a good man!

If my thyroid problem isn’t really a problem at all, well, I am grateful! I think I am going through all this for a reason. I am learning to listen to my body and my heart. I also know it may take a few tries to figure out solutions for health and well being and it’s okay to be patient. I also know that doctors do not know everything and we can’t except them to. I know I have put this lady doctor in a bad light, she did help with that, but I know she was just doing her job. My ‘case’ is very mild but it doesn’t make it as irrelevant as she was making it out to be. She was a nice lady, very knowledgeable and attentive. I just won’t be going back there again. It certainly wasn’t worth the trip or co-pay.

I know I will get this worked out. I am already seeming to feel myself again. I’ve tried to add meditating to my day, which is very hard to find some quiet space around here. But I am making an effort and with that, bring in more positive thoughts. I truly believe our optimism or pessimism can affect our health. I wonder if when I got that diagnoses at the beginning of the year, if I have put on my ‘sick’ hat and kept it on all this time. I’m not saying what I have felt isn’t real but I think dwelling on it can make it worse or more prevalent in my life. I am working to stop that cycle.

We’ll see what happens in the next few months but I am happy to say, I don’t have a thyroid problem. I’m just crazy….and chubby….

Good night, and Big Balls.