Wiping the slate clean~

I've learned or re-learned some lessons this past weekend. The tutorial has been on going for quite sometime and it, I'm sure, will continue for a while but I wanted put down what I have learned in the past few days.
I have been having a battle with the dark side for a few weeks due to changes at ELRey's work that are really taxing our family and requiring a lot of faith on our part. I have also often felt completely out of control of myself and my selfishness and my other many vices so that has all come to a head in the past few days. To top it all off I have had an altercation with someone in my life and it seems that it will never be resolved to this person's satisfaction. I did something thoughtless, and it was purely that-I didn't think, and someone was hurt. I didn't realize that I had done anything until this person called me on it. We talked about it, I apologized, said I wouldn't let that happen again and I thought it was resolved. Alas, no. Sunday morning just as we were going to church, I was sucker punched again. So here is my lesson:
My initial reaction was to wallow and be angry and just stay home. But the night before I told myself I was going to try to change my attitude about Sunday's and try my hardest to make them more holy. I couldn't let this change that. It is MY choice how I will react. I told ELRey I needed to be alone and went in my room to say a prayer. I was so upset, I literally thought I was going to puke! I hadn't felt that awful since junior high, I felt like I was visiting there again in my 30s!! I just laid it all out at my Savior's feet. I knew I had made a mistake, I wanted to make it better and I felt that I had made that clear to the offended party. So I just said in my prayer that I don't know what more I can do to make this person feel better and begged that Heavenly Father would take away these feelings so that I may go to church and at least try to feel the Spirit. My nerves and stomach calmed down and I went. And I sang those hymns (even the ones that said we are all brothers and sisters and I wasn't really feeling it!!!) as loud as I could without windows shattering.
During the sacrament I pulled out my scriptures because all I wanted was to vacate my soul of the anger and hurt I was feeling and fill it with light and I was willing to do anything for it! The first thing I thought to read was in Moroni 7:45-48:
45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.
I read those verses over and over again as many times as I could. And it helped. I realized I am far from having charity but I am trying. In spite of how this person made me feel, I still care for them and I want them to be happy. I am so sorry that I caused this person any pain but I feel that I have done what I could do and I hope things will get better and they can one day forgive me.
I am so grateful for the scriptures! They are truly God's answers to us! That scripture helped me to be able to put it out of my mind so I could do my calling and deal with my cute 4 year old who happens to be in my class-that truly takes all my energy. But you know what? Yesterday was the best Sabbath day I have had in a long time! I can't even remember the last time I was able to enjoy the hymns, talks and the quiet of a sacrament meeting. I know that had a lot to do with my attitude-I didn't come to church knowing from the beginning it was going to be a long 3 hours. I went ready and WILLING to be edified. And because I was able to fight my urge to do what comes naturally (go to my dark place and wallow), I came out feeling renewed and strengthened in a way I haven't been in a very long time.
Here is the second lesson:
Because of that I was able to do the next 2 hours of primary and I didn't even want to hurt anybody!! I know! I am growing!! Annie makes it difficult to be her teacher and her mother. After the 3rd time I told her to be quiet so I can get through the lesson, I finally dragged her down to the teeny tiny room our high priest group meets and threw her in there with a dozen innocent priesthood holders-my husband right in the middle. All of the sudden I could teach my lesson!! I actually gave a spiritual lesson to my CTR 5's!!!! Miracles do happen!!!
I have to say that my patience was waning thin. By the time we got out and I had to pry the extra piece of candy from Annie's hand that she wasn't supposed to take from the bishop's stash and driving home with her AND Lily screaming. I had given all I could and here is my 3rd lesson(busy Sunday, right?!?!):
NEVER, EVER, EVER decide that Sunday is a good day to quit your Diet Coke vice!! Without fail every time I don't replenish my stash on Saturday because I KNOW I can just go without one on Sunday, guess who is scouring her house for change and finding herself at a vending machine in front of Ream's!!! Not me!!! I swear!!!! It was as though all my energy went into trying to make church a pleasant experience again and I couldn't deal with my little habit! Apparently I can only strive for perfection-not even that, just to change a smidgen-for a few hours at a time!
It still was the best Sunday I've had in a long time and I went to bed grateful for this much needed gift from my Heavenly Father. It is times like this where even though trials may feel very lonely, He is always there. He made that very clear to me yesterday.