Better get ready!

Everyone keeps talking about the end of the world, The Second Coming and all evil burning up in hellfire and damnation. I’ve come to realize it is truly happening and we all need to prepare. Start doing any repenting, food storing , finishing those scrapbooks, making things right with your loved ones and get a haircut.

It’s coming. And I can prove it.

It’s not the rumors of a charming, impeccably dressed Anti-Christ in our midst.

It’s not because of all the crazy weather and global warming nonsense that Al Gore thinks he discovered.

Although it is solid proof, it’s not because Jon and Kate broke up.

Nope, it’s not because the Moroni on top of the Oquirrh Temple got electrocuted.

It’s not even because of all the talks the leaders give in Conference about preparing for the Second Coming.

I will tell you why I know. Why you should all be looking to the East, do your Visiting/Home Teaching, hunker down and pray.

I bought hairspray this weekend.

And I used it. And liked it.

The end is nigh.

It’s all about the hair!

As I was brushing my baby’s hair the other day, I realized she has yet to have a haircut. My other 2 girls had their first haircut by yours truly when they were around 1 year old. That is one of the big differences between my first 2 and my 3rd. Here are some examples.

Audrey:

This was taken just a couple days after she was born. In fact, when we were waiting for the doctor to come catch her when I was laboring, the nurse on duty could see Audrey’s head coming out. I am not lying when she reached down into my exposed nether regions, played with my daughter’s hair on her crowning head and said, “Look at all that hair!” There I was exposed and vulnerable with my husband in a  dazed stupor and the stranger nurse trying to braid my unborn child’s hair.

I had about 7 jokes running through my head but amazingly kept them all to myself so as not to embarrass anyone (besides myself, of course, did I mention how neked I was??).

I am that magnanimous.

 

Here she is at a year old. Obviously that hair never fell out and it just kept on growing. I had to cut it just to even it out a bit. Isn’t she cute???

Annie:

The running joke about her was she was born with a hairdryer and flatiron. I think I would remember that, though. Her hair didn’t stick up everywhere but it was thick and a lot! We had her in pigtails by 4 months. She’s a hard one to find a picture of! She was in constant motion!

This is around a year old. She quickly learned that she didn’t like having her hair done so I had to cut bangs just to keep her hair out of her face.

Lily:

Yup! She was our little baldy! Apparently the first 2 took all the hair genes. At least they didn’t take all the cute genes, too! When she came out my first thought was, “Oh…she’s bald….” Isn’t that awful?? She certainly fit her name, small, delicate and beautiful.

 

And here she is at about a year old. Still pretty bald but still cute! She has much more hair now but I have yet to cut it at all.

As I walked into church one day, a friend of mine said, “You have a lot of hair to fix at your house!” Yes, yes I do. Just ask my bath drain. It’s gonna cough up a hair ball any day now!

Need help mowing your lawn?

I found this on my door last night:

With advertising like that, how could you possibly say no??

Freaky Friday Confessional

I have a very strange gift. I somehow find the coolest, prettiest, smartest and tallest friends. I find the women whom I would assume would never want to be friends with a dork like me, somehow charm them, and we become lifelong friends. I don't know how I get so lucky.

Melissa at Glamazon Mormon Mom is one of these friends. With Melissa there is a major bonus. Not only is she cool, pretty, smart and tall, she has a ginormous rack which is always a great conversation starter and joke subject but if we were ever on a sinking ship we could all just grab on to Melissa and use her ample bosom as a floatation device. Now, that is a win-win for everyone.

Every week Melissa confesses all on her Friday Confessional and we thought it would be fun to introduce one another on our blogs. So while I am over on hers you all get to enjoy the hilarious confessions of Glamazon Mormon Mom over here.

{Disclaimer-I must warn you: she is easy to fall in love with and while I am willing to share her, I am not so willing to share the floatation devices out in the middle of the ocean. Consider yourself warned.}

I confess...

• I have two irrational fears. Birds and brothers.
• Birds: because they are evil, what with their beady little eyes, sharp beaks, talons (seriously, talons? Any animal that has TALONS should be feared), and feather-fluffing. I think it's the feather-fluffing that gets me. Run for your life, that bird is fluffing its feathers!
• Brothers: because, growing up I watched my boy cousin beat up his little sister every dang time we went over, and I was terrified. Whenever I hear girls say, "Oh, I wish I would have had an older brother," I think, "Why? Weren't you scarred enough during your formative years?"
• Mindi, being the sweet and thoughtful person she is, has told me that one day my doorbell will ring, and it will be one of her brothers, holding one of their big scary chickens.
• Whenever my doorbell rings, I cry just a little inside.
• Not really, but seriously. Don't try it. It would be humiliating, and I think I may require therapy for it.
• Well, now that my fears are in writing, I'm thinking I might just require therapy, regardless.
• I think Mindi's only flaw is that she raises chickens
• Or that could be a clever plot on her part to keep me from visiting
• Yesterday a truly remarkable thing happened-all 3 of my babies that are in diapers pooped at the same time
• So I changed 3 poopy diapers, one right after the other. I know, you're jealous.
• I think that my neighbors could have just sent their babies on over, lined them up behind my poopy kids
• And I never would have noticed, just kept changing diapers
• unless someone threw in a poopy chicken, then I would have run for my life.

See what I'm saying?? Go check her out and become a follower! Trust me, you won't regret it!

The Joys of Motherhood Part 3

For a review of Parts 1 and 2 click here and here.

I have been babysitting my 8 year old niece for the past month. One day she was trying to explain to my girls how you can tell when someone was lying. I guess that is an important lesson to learn at a very young age and she was taking that responsibility on for me. Thank goodness!

She was trying to prove her point by telling the each girl something to say which was an obvious lie. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that her study was already compromised by the mere fact she was telling them what to say in the first place.

The second mistake she made was starting with Annie.

Ana: “Really, guys I can show you how to tell when someone is lying! Annie just say, ‘I pick my nose in my sleep and eat my buggers.’”

Annie (after a looonng pause): “But….I do do that….”

After I picked myself up off the floor and caught my breath I made a mental note: load up on hand sanitizer and soap.

~Could you imagine if the real Manna from Heaven really was Diet Coke?? Man, they would have made it to the Promised Land much faster and with a skip in their step!!

A Sabbath Day Miracle

I am beginning to wonder if I will ever like church again. I will have a week here and there where I walk away thinking that it was a good and well spent 3 hours but for the most part I would rather put my head in a vice and tighten it till I see spots.

I think that would be just as fun. And probably much more productive. It may even clear my head.

I am in the primary right now and I am fine with taking my turn and I truly love the kids I teach. They are all sweet kids and it’s a fun age. Trying to get them to sit still, be reverent, sing when appropriate and actually listen to what is being taught-not so much fun. I have had a few of my friends tell me they’d switch callings in a heart beat and they love being in primary and I used to feel guilty when they would say that but now I am done and they can have it. The only problem with that is what will the Bishopric give me next?

My Annie was in my class but I had to tell the primary president to move her before she dies an  ignominious death by her mother’s hand. I thought it would make it better and the president let me put whomever I wanted in my class. I did, within reason, but yesterday I think I visited the 9th circle of Hell for 2 hours.

Overdramatic? Probably.

All I know is my entire head was clenched so tight, I think my ear holes were even puckered up! I think I said, “Oh, for the love of Pete! Are you kidding me??” about 7 times in a 30 min period. I was telling those sweet angels to let me give the lesson for longer than I was actually giving the lesson. Again, these are all great kids, they are just being 4/5 year olds. I feel like I have tried everything to make it better for us all. Some days I feel successful. I think I have had 5 of those days this year. Maybe that is a good year, I don’t know.

So I came home yesterday, drained, frustrated and sad. I was still trying to fast and I hadn’t replenished my stash of Diet Coke figuring I would be fasting and then would need to just drink water when I was done. I gave up on the fast around 1:15, grabbed as much change as possible, and headed for Ream’s and their vending machine.

They apparently got rid of it. Losers.

I headed over to Macey’s to the vending machine that likes to play Russian Roulette with my sanity and lose change hoping for the best. I put my $1.25 (Buck 25?? Outrageous!! But desperate nonetheless…) in the machine, stopped breathing for a second as I pushed the Diet Coke button and heard the oh so sweet sound of that 20 ounce bottle bumping it’s way down to the hole of happiness. I planned to buy 3, I had to get through the rest of the day somehow, so I pushed the button again to make sure it wasn’t sold out. Suddenly I heard that beautiful noise again and another Diet Coke sat in the hole of happiness. Perplexed knowing I hadn’t put anymore money in the machine, I pushed the button again and it said it was now sold out. I was curious so I pushed the Diet Coke with lime button and lo and behold, bump, bump, bump, there it was again in the hole of happiness.

I was laughing (which felt good, I hadn’t even smiled yet that day) and looking around for the camera just knowing I must be on one of those summer reality shows called “How honest are you?” or “What would you do?” , doing just that-wondering what to do. Macey’s was closed, the machine wasn’t taking my money and if I left money there someone undeserving would take it or use it. I pushed the “Return” button to see if it would give me my money back and a Clink, Clink, Clink later there was the $1.25 I had put in the machine. I figured by taking my money I was keeping someone with real bad intentions from robbing the machine blind.

Did I do the right thing? Can I say I am honest in all my dealings? I’m not sure. I would like to think that this little experience was a “Manna From Heaven” moment. I want to believe it was God telling me I am doing what I should be doing and he’s proud of my measly contribution to my ward. He knows I am having a hard time and wanted to give me a giggle and a Diet Coke to make it all better.

If nothing else, it helped me unclench my face and smile.

{For those of you who maybe don’t go to church right now, I am totally kidding! It is wonderful every time you go and for the whole three hours!! I live for Sundays! You should totally come-just don’t sit by me or you won’t hear ANYTHING being said!!! The Church is true and Primary is the best EVER!!!}