How to feel old at only 34

So I know it’s Valentine’s Day and I should have some sappy post about my love but I figured I skimmed over our anniversary so I may as well keep my awesomeness going. I will say that the sun truly shines from my husband’s butt and I did totally marry up, as my dad reminds me of regularly. We celebrate our love daily, usually with flatulence and mutually yelling at our kids so we really don’t need a holiday to remind us to do so. But just so I don’t get accused of being a socialist, Happy Valentine’s, ElRey! To show my love for you a may even clean the bathroom! And do that belly dance you love so much. I know I’m super romantic!

What I really wanted to talk about today was, well, me.

Shocker.

There is something very ironical about being a sacred vessel of life. Although you can only have this role in your younger, fertile years, it can make you feel like you are in the last days of your mortal life. I have gotten to the point that I really relate to that lady in the commercial when she’s lying on the ground saying, “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” My greatest fear is falling and breaking a hip with only a 3 year old around to help.

I have a handful of pills I take each day- one to keep the crazies at bay. One to keep my thyroid working properly. A prenatal vitamin to get real nutrition to the baby that doesn’t seem to come from cheeseburgers, fries, Diet Coke and cookies. An iron pill so I can remain semi-conscious for longer than an hour at a time. And now I’ve added a pill to (I pray) keep the nausea/heartburn under some control. This pharmacy doesn’t even include the ibuprofen and Loratab I wish I could take  Tylenol I take in hopes of any relief from whatever pain I am enjoying at the moment. This is why I may need to resort to one of these:

I’ve already resorted to this:

And this:

Course, I call it “Honey, can you go get me….”

I’m tempted to buy some of these:

And one of these:

Since I can’t seem to find clothes to cover my butt, belly and boobs all at the same time, I’m thinking of getting some of these:

I am most definitely investing in one of these:

 

What’s the moral of this story? Well, there isn’t one. But if you want to get a small idea of how you’ll feel when you are 85, get yourself in the family way. I think it’s a pretty accurate duplication-right down to the desperate need for sensible shoes.