**This post is best experienced when you imagine me with crazy eyes, pacing, arms flailing and slightly yelling in a high pitched, manic voice. You’ll have to use your imagination on this one seeings how I don’t do vlogs, 1) Because I’m not smart enough, B) They just seem too complicated for my lazy butt and, III) I have the flesh eating bacteria on my face a cold sore. And who wants to see that in HD?!….Are vlogs even in HD???
I feel like I have been in constant battle mode for at least 3 months but probably more. I am constantly having to gird my loins for attacks from all sides. It’s not even one Goliath type enemy, it’s a million little things! I fight to get myself to go to bed at a decent time, usually fail, and then struggle to wake up at a decent time in the morning and usually fail. My kids are getting up 2-3 hours before me so just imagine the damage they do in that time! I struggle with myself to do what I should do as opposed to what I want to do-clean the house vs. read a book/not yell at my kids vs. yell at my kids/ eat some more vs. actually stopping before I want to vomit. I fight with my kids about their chores, playing on the computer, who hit who, who peed on the floor, spending money, what a terrible mother I am, etc. etc…
Something has happened to my children and I don’t know what it is. It’s either, A) They are possessed by demons and their heads will start spinning any second, B) I am in another bad remake of The Village of the Damned minus Christopher Reeves and Mark Hammill. Oh, and my kids are no where near as smart as those kids…hey, I said it was a bad remake…C) They are bored with summer, or, D) They are secretly plotting my ignominious demise with sheer torture and tattle-telling.
My money is on A or D.
One of the high points of the past few days is when I told a daughter that she “could take her drama and shove it in her ear!” I was so impressed with myself because I didn’t say ass. That’s right, gold star for me.
Frankly, people, I am tired.
I have come to realize I cannot do what I really want to do about it-run away screaming, take off in the car and tell no one where I am going and just let someone else deal with it-so I have tried the more spiritual approach the past couple days. I even made it to the temple today. I tell ya, I even breathe differently there! Granted, sometimes I am so at peace there that I often fall asleep, but it’s almost like hiking to the highest peak of a mountain and once you get there taking the most refreshing breath of fresh air you’ve ever experienced. It’s that good.
But then I come home and my jaw clenches back up, my breath becomes more shallow and that good feeling is gone within 5 minutes of walking through the door and listening to the immediate whine for an ice cream cone.
My birthday is coming up and one of my daughters asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Without hesitation I said, “I want to be alone, in a room, with a Diet Coke.”
She was like, “No, what do you want as a gift?” I promptly repeated my request and we went back and forth for a bit till I finally told her she can just get me a Diet Coke. Her cute little mind couldn’t comprehend why on earth any one would want to be alone for their birthday. She doesn’t understand that that’s just the gift that keeps on giving. For me to demonstrate, it will require a list with bullets. Sorry.
Why Mom’s Birthday Gift Should Be A Whole Day Alone In A Room With A Giant Diet Coke.
- 67 less times I would have to give a rat’s a$$ who has been on the computer longer.
- 22 less times I have to ask a 3 year old if she wants to put her poo-poo/pee-pee in the potty.
- 435 less moments of tattle telling and me pretending I care.
- When food is brought and left at the door for me, when I open it up I don’t have to hear how disgusting it is or have fingers in it or have to share. I never have learned how to share very well.
- 14 less times I get a knee to the crotch and/or pancreas.
- I won’t have to listen to the Disney Channel, Nick Jr. or Sprout for an entire day!
- I wouldn’t have to recount every conversation or text I receive in the utmost detail.
- I wouldn’t have to clean one single dish as anything I would use would be disposable.
- I get an entire day of not giving a damn about anyone’s chores and whether or not they did them.
- Any bodily functions I deal with will be entirely my own.
- There is no shame, guilt or humiliation allowed in my Special Happy Birthday Room of Joy and Specialness.
I want to go to there…
I think I’m hormonal.
I KNOW I need extensive Diet Coke and chocolate therapy!
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14 comments:
so i guess i'm not the only one. good to know. -- and I just tell my kids that I don't care about their tattles, who has more/less harder/easier jobs-- is that bad?
Dude, there are some demonic possessions going on a massive scale! Everyone's kids- including mine- have gone berserk! I'm about one more "Mommy, she hit me!" away from checking myself into some good in-patient treatment. I may just start drinking JUST to go to rehab and have some freaking peace and quiet!
Do they not understand that we can crack? They are lucky school is only a few days away! I am about ready to call in crazy myself...
Tell your husband for everyone's sake you need a day away, or just a day locked in your room. The latter doesn't work for me though as I can still hear them and then start to feel guilty. So get away, we all need to it is totally fine!
Um, would you let me come with you in this room? I don't even drink soda so you can have all of the Diet Coke...
LMAO
knee to the pancreas
snort
Send most of them to school...we're armed and ready over there!
Just get on a plane and enjoy some 'alone time' here. I will let you have the diet coke and you won't have to remind me to go poo poo or pee pee.
Love it Mindi!!! It's absolutely the same for me - only sometimes with more curse words..... I especially love recounting the phone calls/texts - only my twins then repeat back what I've told them as if they were actually the ones who got the message. My favorite phrase right now is "I don't care" - and honestly, as long as they leave me alone for 20 minutes, I really don't =) Hang in there!!!
I completely concur that a day alone with a diet coke is an answer to all of life's wo's ...go for it!
Courtney wants me to say," my kids are perfect and I have no idea what you are talking about." hahahahaha Wink wink! ;) Now for the truth. I so understand! Right now as I am typing my baby is undressing himself,my kids are fighting over how loud the computer is and my daughter is reading over my shoulder. Now she is saying,"no I'm not reading over your shoulder, don't put that." You aren't alone, trust me your not alone!!!
I love you Mindi!!!
So I might have included an edit on my last facebook status, but here I feel fine telling you that just the other day I told a kid, "Excuse me, but would you mind shutting the hell up?"
Too many people from work would have seen it there.....and I'm not tryin to give them any more reasons to get all judgey.
But yeah- I have born no children of my own and still would like to join you in this mythical day of Silence and Diet Coke.
OMG you are terrific! We have the same mind...then again, you have to share so much of yourself with your progeny, you might not want to share your mind with me. But tough. It's done. I'll be very quiet and unobtrusive.
You're going in my blog roll lady!
I came acrossed you blog today, and I love it! This post was awesome! I feel the same way about my upcoming birthday, and find myself telling my kids the same thing my mom told me when I was younger..."all I want for my birthday/mothers day/christmas(or any other special occasion) is for you kids to get along and be good for one day, You think you can handle that???!!!" Probably not!
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