Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

I only have a small handful of skills and talents. One of them happens to be putting my foot in my mouth. I tend to take things way too far way too fast. There used to be a girl in my ward that did the same thing, although, I thought she took it much further than I ever did. This was the same girl who booed one of the counselors of the Relief Society when she got up to say something at Enrichment one night (they were friends but, still, not the time or place). At the same spiritually based activity she kept calling me white trash because of my beat up and torn sweatshirt I was wearing and my favorite was when she said in a loud voice that the bishopric was going to do a strip tease at the end of the program. The bishop was at the next table and my husband happened to be in that bishopric.

People tended to group us together and it always bothered me, not that I didn’t like her, I did. She just made me uncomfortable. I wondered if I was really that bad, hoping that I really wasn’t. I tend to leap over the line of appropriate like a fence in someone’s yard. I just get to the other side of it and stop and climb back over. She would jump over the fence, run to the other side of that yard and poop in their grass. Did I go to far with that analogy? Probably, but anyone who knew her would agree, I think.

I have a plethora of examples of me saying something stupid but I will only embarrass myself with a few.

• Recently I was bad mouthing a small business owner for what seemed to be nepotism and slightly dishonest tactics to my BFF. As I was winding down she reminded me (nicely) that her dad is a small business owner who’s children have all worked in his office at some point and time and explained to me that often there is some major gray areas in the business world and sometimes you don’t realize you’ve broken a rule until it is pointed out to you later.
• At my grandmother’s funeral, my uncles and aunt, her children, were all posing for a rare photo op. Everyone was quietly taking their picture at the gravesite when I yelled out, “Make love to the camera!” I see nothing wrong with that but apparently that is not the thing to say after dedicating a grave…go figure…
• The other night I was at a BBQ with my little family and friends. My friend was talking about nursing her baby and how her older son wants to nurse, too. Another friend asked, “Do you ever let him nurse?” To which I so wittily replied, “Who, your husband?”. Said husband blushed. I blushed. My husband blushed. I quietly said, “I forgot this isn’t a girl’s night…sorry” as everyone laughed at my shame.
• When I was a leader in the Young Women’s, we were making a blanket for someone and a counselor from the bishopric was there with us. I made a joke about my weight by saying, “Oh, I weigh about 110. In my bra!” I looked over at him after it was too late to stop myself just has he hung his head and blushed in shame over who was leading our youth.

When you are in a constant state of desperation for a laugh, you tend to make a major fool of yourself about 80% of the time. This would be my life. To be honest, though I do come by it naturally. My sweet little grandma that just passed away had a couple awkward moments.

• At her 80th birthday bash she told her children and their spouses (imagine it with a soft English accent), “I would rather be with you than the finest people in the world.” Thanks, Ma.
• She told my sister-in-law, Heather, after she had her first baby “be careful of their heads. You can hit them anywhere you want but don’t hit them in the head.” Words to live by.
• She is my dad’s mom. My mom’s dad was a charming feller. She flirted with him when he was working on her roof. While both their spouses were on the other side, THAT IS WRONG AND JUST PLAIN OLD DIRTY!!!

So, while I may embarrass myself and those around me on a regular basis,  now and then I just may something funny. And just know, I inherited it. It’s in my genes. There is nothing I can do about it! So please forgive me. And if you happen to see me walking around with my foot in my mouth, please help me get it out. I am not as flexible as I once was and it gets a little uncomfortable.