Why am I so sleepy and sore when I wake up?

This is my bed:

I know, it screams romance. I’m all about ambience. But it’s huge. Plenty of room, right?

Somehow my space seems to shrink every night:

And this is why:

Let’s just say it makes for a very long night and a very tired and sore mommy.

Why I’ve been crazy…well…crazier..

I just thought it was a very bad case of indigestion. Who knew that fingers, toes and hair could be nauseous?? Turns out it much more than an eternal little stomach bug:

It’s a tiny humanoid growing in the baby cave! Here’s ElRey’s last chance for a manchild! Everyone pray for boy parts! Goodness knows there is pa-lenty of estrogen in this house!! The doc said that thing on top of the belly is an arm bud but my guess is it’s a little tambourine or maracas.

Status Quote

My homegirls Emmy Mom and CA Girl started a new monthly Meme called:

Basically you copy your favorite status’ from Facebook and share them with the rest of us. So link up and play! Here’s a few I have enjoyed the past month:

“Victoria's Secret now has Halloween costumes. I hope they have an Iron Man for my son.”

“I think it's ironic that I can't tell the difference between the Mormon ads and the cheesy Folgers commercials until the last 2 seconds of each.” (Us Mormons don’t drink coffee)

“Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I am the sane one? (are you frightened?)”

“My vacuum likes to feel neglected.”

“Life would be so much easier if there was a sarcasm font.”

I also love the whole relationship status because this is where I usually stick my foot right in my mouth. Which is difficult with my computer in my lap but somehow I manage to be successful every time someone changes theirs from ‘married’ to ‘single’ or somewhere in between. Like the time I saw a guy change his from married to single, which left me perplexed so I finally wrote something silly thinking he was being silly. I said, “Does your wife know?” I know, funny, right? I’m hilarious. What I failed to do before I finally said something was to update my home page and see the several comments already there so by the time I had said my bit of cleverness he had already explained that, sadly, him and his wife had divorced. And then I come in looking like a D-O-R-K! He was like, “What do you mean, does she know? I haven’t lived there in months!” AAAWWWKKKWWAAAARRDDDD!

But that didn’t stop me from doing it again, no sir! Another guy switched his from ‘married’ to ‘in an open relationship’. Okay, that has to be a joke, right?? Right?? Please? So here I go again with a “What the??” He proceeded to tell us all that was had gotten divorced in the summer but thought ‘open relationship’ sounded better than divorced……………….because swingers are so much more socially acceptable than the divorced…Yeah…okay..totally..

So one day I will learn to just keep my big mouth mouth shut….maybe…probably not….dammit.

The Elusive Tip

I think the fog of the plague is finally lifting! The only problem is things started looking clearer just before bedtime so guess who is wide awake? It’s all good though because if I wasn’t you wouldn’t be able to benefit from my wisdom and prose. Okay, okay, it’s really just me talking out of my butt. But your gonna read it and you’re gonna like it…or else..

Maybe the fog hasn’t totally lifted….I cannot be held accountable for what may be written here tonight..

I have something very serious to talk about. That’s right, tips. Now I am an expert on tips like-no you should not be wearing that thong with those super low rise jeans that are 2 sizes too small and a belly shirt, or 15 ways to scar your children for life in 5 minutes flat, or never watch a movie that has zombie clowns in it just before bedtime.

The tip I struggle with is the one you leave for your server, hairdresser, bell boy or bookie. The one for the server seems to me to be a no brainer- 20% or better of your final bill. I don’t ever want a good server walking away thinking I was the cheapest skank on earth. Course you can already catch on to that by viewing my ill fitting pants (but no visible thong, thank you), my nasty flip flops and complete lack of accessories but I don’t want to prove it to her in my tip.

But it doesn’t just end there. I like to get take out for 2 reasons 1-I like to pig out in the privacy of my own home without patrons gawking at me like I’m the bearded lady at the fair while I gnaw on that rib bone like a ravenous caveman(you so want to date me, huh! I know, ElRey is one lucky guy.) and 2- I don’t want to leave a tip. But then they trick you by trying to bring your food out to your car or being super nice and even having audacity to put the dread ‘tip’ line on the receipt! So then I look like a jackass for putting a line through it and the total for the food below it. They did not bring food to my table, refill my drinks or clean up after me. They put my food in a bag that I drove there to pick up, refilled my own drink and cleaned up my own mess. So do I really need to leave them a tip? Do you guys think I’m a cheap jackass yet?

I love that now fast food restaurants are getting in on the fun now with these cups hanging out the drive thru window with a giant TIPS written across it. I have worked in the fast food industry and it sucked royally and anyone who lasts 6 months deserves a medal but I would never expect a tip I was already being paid to make their food and call their number when it was ready. Heck, I’d even offer them ketchup of fry sauce without expecting a nickel in return! So why are we suddenly having to tip these guys?

Then we have the hairdresser. This is a difficult job involving trying to get your client to look just like that picture of Rachel from Friends without them blaming you when they realize no matter how they cut their hair they will never look like her. It’s such a personal job and they deserve extra credit for a job well done. But I never know how to gauge the size of the tip by my happiness in my new ‘do. It seems that the 15/20% doesn’t apply in this profession but I just dropped $60 (that I usually can’t afford and don’t do often) for her good work. I never feel like I tip enough and always walk away hoping she knows how much I appreciate her work.

And besides I am in the hardest job on earth and never once have I been tipped for making food, cleaning up food, wiping butts and doing their laundry. The closest I have come to a tip is a kick in the crotch, vomit down my shirt or a nicely screamed, “I HATE YOU!!!” Which is why I have no problem using their Tooth Fairy or birthday money on drink runs. Just kidding. Kind of.

So to all you service workers that deserve a tip, remember that even if you don’t get the tip you expected or feel you’ve earned just know it may not always be because your customer/client is a jerk and/or cheap. It may be that it’s all they can afford to give or they may not know the rules. Just know your hard work is appreciated. I mean, my kids show how much they appreciate me by telling me I’m the worst mom in the world or crapping on my floor so what I’m saying is, it could be worse.

Friday Confessions

It’s that awesome time again to confess with Glamazon! It’s really the only way I get to ‘hang out’ with her lately. Since I’m not cool enough to live in her millionaire neighborhood and rich and fancy friends or be some sort of surgeon. hehehehehe I will just sit here in the ghetto that  she left for bigger and better and long for the days when we hung out in real life and blog my sadness and tears. sob.

• I have death a cold.
• I’ve always wondered how such an insignificant little virus can make you wish for death.
• Or at least some sort of narcotic.
• Maybe a morphine drip.
• Sometimes I wonder about my pain threshold.
• I think it’s pretty high but then I do like my legal narcotics.
• When I had my car accident back in April I hurt no matter what I took.
• Except for this natural muscle relaxer that was pretty awesome.
• But I think it was more that it made me not care that my head felt like it was being ripped off my body.
• I’ve heard marijuana helps with pain.
• And during that time, if I knew how to get some I would’ve totally lit up.
• And then ended up with a special garden in my basement.
• Cuz I totally need another addiction.
• And an illegal one at that.
• My addictions to exercise, healthy food, service and prayer are enough for me to deal with at this time of my life.
• The other day I went to have my eyebrows done. I laid on the table while the girl did her thing, jumped off the table and my back went out!
• I was laying down and stood up and BAM! I was stuck like bent over old man.
• I wobbled out of there as quickly as possible to save whatever fraction of dignity I had left.
• It was a small fraction. Miniscule.
• I didn’t have a whole lot to begin with.

Epic Family Weekend

What happens when you take this:

And one of these:

Throw in some of these:

A faithful geyser and it’s cousins:

After a very, very, very long drive filled with joy and love (and 5 freaking pee breaks!!!):

(This is what happens to a man after a 5 hour drive filled with joyous children in the backseat)

You get-

 The Epic Semi-Often Thomas Trip of Awesomeness!

This is the 3rd time my family has done something like this but it was the first time all my siblings were there. This was our second time in Yellowstone and then we did a trip to Moab, too. We don’t believe in going to kid-friendly places with dancing dolls and roller coasters. Oh no, we like to make them work for their entertainment! With 20+ cousins and a giant cabin, it doesn’t take much work. I hardly saw my children after we got there. We were sadly missing my sister-in-law and 2 of her kids but everyone else was there.

I was a little worried as the trip began since my kids threw a fit any time we asked them to help us with something and when we hadn’t even left the Salt Lake Valley and they were asking if we were there yet or the fact that we hadn’t been driving a half an hour before they needed to pee-that continued every hour, no joke! That crazy astronaut lady and her adult diapers is sounding less and less crazy to me…

Now I have driven to Calgary, Alberta at the end of a terrible stomach bug stuffed in an Astro Van with 5 brothers, I’ve driven to Mount Rushmore stuffed in the same van, Illinois, the middle of Baja Mexico in a short bus full of uncomfortable and exhausted college students and I’ve even driven through the entire Yellowstone park ‘on the way home’ (which ended up being about 10 hours long) 7 months pregnant with my first child resulting in thiankles that were numb and useless by the time we got home. All of these drives do not compare to the delightful drive with my sweet children this past weekend. It was the longest 5 hours of my life! I think at one point I even turned around to my children and said “You have made this one of the worst days of my life! And I’ve been in labor and given birth to 3 children!” It was my finest hour.

Each morning we awoke to a herd of buffalo running through the house the pitter pat of little feet running circles through the house. By the end of the day my ears were ringing from all the joyous squeals and laughter coming from so many happy, playful children! They really do all get along really well and have a lot of fun together.

Just a fraction of the children.

Only a few regrets. 1-Not one freaking bear. I even put my kids out in a field covered in honey to coax one out but all I got was some sobbing kids. Lame. 2- I wanted to explore the park more. We saw the barest minimum but it took all day, and I think that was all the kids could take. 3-More than half of us came home with a death cold. I know we were all living in the same house but it’s not like we were licking each other’s cups or anything! SHEESH!!