Freaky Friday Confessional

I have a very strange gift. I somehow find the coolest, prettiest, smartest and tallest friends. I find the women whom I would assume would never want to be friends with a dork like me, somehow charm them, and we become lifelong friends. I don't know how I get so lucky.

Melissa at Glamazon Mormon Mom is one of these friends. With Melissa there is a major bonus. Not only is she cool, pretty, smart and tall, she has a ginormous rack which is always a great conversation starter and joke subject but if we were ever on a sinking ship we could all just grab on to Melissa and use her ample bosom as a floatation device. Now, that is a win-win for everyone.

Every week Melissa confesses all on her Friday Confessional and we thought it would be fun to introduce one another on our blogs. So while I am over on hers you all get to enjoy the hilarious confessions of Glamazon Mormon Mom over here.

{Disclaimer-I must warn you: she is easy to fall in love with and while I am willing to share her, I am not so willing to share the floatation devices out in the middle of the ocean. Consider yourself warned.}

I confess...

• I have two irrational fears. Birds and brothers.
• Birds: because they are evil, what with their beady little eyes, sharp beaks, talons (seriously, talons? Any animal that has TALONS should be feared), and feather-fluffing. I think it's the feather-fluffing that gets me. Run for your life, that bird is fluffing its feathers!
• Brothers: because, growing up I watched my boy cousin beat up his little sister every dang time we went over, and I was terrified. Whenever I hear girls say, "Oh, I wish I would have had an older brother," I think, "Why? Weren't you scarred enough during your formative years?"
• Mindi, being the sweet and thoughtful person she is, has told me that one day my doorbell will ring, and it will be one of her brothers, holding one of their big scary chickens.
• Whenever my doorbell rings, I cry just a little inside.
• Not really, but seriously. Don't try it. It would be humiliating, and I think I may require therapy for it.
• Well, now that my fears are in writing, I'm thinking I might just require therapy, regardless.
• I think Mindi's only flaw is that she raises chickens
• Or that could be a clever plot on her part to keep me from visiting
• Yesterday a truly remarkable thing happened-all 3 of my babies that are in diapers pooped at the same time
• So I changed 3 poopy diapers, one right after the other. I know, you're jealous.
• I think that my neighbors could have just sent their babies on over, lined them up behind my poopy kids
• And I never would have noticed, just kept changing diapers
• unless someone threw in a poopy chicken, then I would have run for my life.

See what I'm saying?? Go check her out and become a follower! Trust me, you won't regret it!

The Joys of Motherhood Part 3

For a review of Parts 1 and 2 click here and here.

I have been babysitting my 8 year old niece for the past month. One day she was trying to explain to my girls how you can tell when someone was lying. I guess that is an important lesson to learn at a very young age and she was taking that responsibility on for me. Thank goodness!

She was trying to prove her point by telling the each girl something to say which was an obvious lie. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that her study was already compromised by the mere fact she was telling them what to say in the first place.

The second mistake she made was starting with Annie.

Ana: “Really, guys I can show you how to tell when someone is lying! Annie just say, ‘I pick my nose in my sleep and eat my buggers.’”

Annie (after a looonng pause): “But….I do do that….”

After I picked myself up off the floor and caught my breath I made a mental note: load up on hand sanitizer and soap.

~Could you imagine if the real Manna from Heaven really was Diet Coke?? Man, they would have made it to the Promised Land much faster and with a skip in their step!!

A Sabbath Day Miracle

I am beginning to wonder if I will ever like church again. I will have a week here and there where I walk away thinking that it was a good and well spent 3 hours but for the most part I would rather put my head in a vice and tighten it till I see spots.

I think that would be just as fun. And probably much more productive. It may even clear my head.

I am in the primary right now and I am fine with taking my turn and I truly love the kids I teach. They are all sweet kids and it’s a fun age. Trying to get them to sit still, be reverent, sing when appropriate and actually listen to what is being taught-not so much fun. I have had a few of my friends tell me they’d switch callings in a heart beat and they love being in primary and I used to feel guilty when they would say that but now I am done and they can have it. The only problem with that is what will the Bishopric give me next?

My Annie was in my class but I had to tell the primary president to move her before she dies an  ignominious death by her mother’s hand. I thought it would make it better and the president let me put whomever I wanted in my class. I did, within reason, but yesterday I think I visited the 9th circle of Hell for 2 hours.

Overdramatic? Probably.

All I know is my entire head was clenched so tight, I think my ear holes were even puckered up! I think I said, “Oh, for the love of Pete! Are you kidding me??” about 7 times in a 30 min period. I was telling those sweet angels to let me give the lesson for longer than I was actually giving the lesson. Again, these are all great kids, they are just being 4/5 year olds. I feel like I have tried everything to make it better for us all. Some days I feel successful. I think I have had 5 of those days this year. Maybe that is a good year, I don’t know.

So I came home yesterday, drained, frustrated and sad. I was still trying to fast and I hadn’t replenished my stash of Diet Coke figuring I would be fasting and then would need to just drink water when I was done. I gave up on the fast around 1:15, grabbed as much change as possible, and headed for Ream’s and their vending machine.

They apparently got rid of it. Losers.

I headed over to Macey’s to the vending machine that likes to play Russian Roulette with my sanity and lose change hoping for the best. I put my $1.25 (Buck 25?? Outrageous!! But desperate nonetheless…) in the machine, stopped breathing for a second as I pushed the Diet Coke button and heard the oh so sweet sound of that 20 ounce bottle bumping it’s way down to the hole of happiness. I planned to buy 3, I had to get through the rest of the day somehow, so I pushed the button again to make sure it wasn’t sold out. Suddenly I heard that beautiful noise again and another Diet Coke sat in the hole of happiness. Perplexed knowing I hadn’t put anymore money in the machine, I pushed the button again and it said it was now sold out. I was curious so I pushed the Diet Coke with lime button and lo and behold, bump, bump, bump, there it was again in the hole of happiness.

I was laughing (which felt good, I hadn’t even smiled yet that day) and looking around for the camera just knowing I must be on one of those summer reality shows called “How honest are you?” or “What would you do?” , doing just that-wondering what to do. Macey’s was closed, the machine wasn’t taking my money and if I left money there someone undeserving would take it or use it. I pushed the “Return” button to see if it would give me my money back and a Clink, Clink, Clink later there was the $1.25 I had put in the machine. I figured by taking my money I was keeping someone with real bad intentions from robbing the machine blind.

Did I do the right thing? Can I say I am honest in all my dealings? I’m not sure. I would like to think that this little experience was a “Manna From Heaven” moment. I want to believe it was God telling me I am doing what I should be doing and he’s proud of my measly contribution to my ward. He knows I am having a hard time and wanted to give me a giggle and a Diet Coke to make it all better.

If nothing else, it helped me unclench my face and smile.

{For those of you who maybe don’t go to church right now, I am totally kidding! It is wonderful every time you go and for the whole three hours!! I live for Sundays! You should totally come-just don’t sit by me or you won’t hear ANYTHING being said!!! The Church is true and Primary is the best EVER!!!}

A Black Thumb

I’ve always wanted the gardens around my house to look like this:

Instead, they look like this:

Yeah, those are weeds, not “ground cover”. Every year I plan to make it beautiful and low maintenance. Every year this is what I get.

I always wanted a vegetable garden Karlie or Donatella would be jealous of. Something like this:

Instead I have this:

 

Note the dead zucchini plants. Who kills zucchini plants?? I didn’t know that was even possible! We have a great harvest of morning glory, though! And to be fair, our peppers and cucumbers are doing pretty good. We also have a hanging tomato plant that is doing okay. But come on! This is just ridiculous! Maybe the zucchini committed suicide out of embarrassment.

I hear having nice gardens take work but I think that’s just silly. It should just be as easy as hiring a gardener. Maybe that gardener from Desperate Housewives (not that I would EVER watch such a trashy show!! Well, maybe 3 or 4 times but that’s it!)…hmmmm…I wonder if he’s available…

 PS- Although I am still sad about my roosters, I was able to comfort myself with a rotisserie chicken from Macey’s and 3 new hens. Things are much quieter now and my feet are safe from that wicked beak!

Pretty garden pictures taken from here  and here.

Curse you CAL Ranch (and Rikke)!!!

This lovely wake up call is courtesy of Rikke:

I enjoy those sweet sounds beginning around 6am about every 15 minutes right up until dusk. My neighbors love me I am sure. He also likes to peck at feet. He is a beauty, though!

Unfortunately, we have to find him a new home before our neighbors lose their patience. He is our favorite. Except when he pecks at our feet. Then he gets a good solid kick.

See these little cuties?

We bought these little puff balls back in March from our neighborhood CAL Ranch. They swore up and down that they were hens. ONLY ONE IS A HEN!!

Our friends, Jeremy and Karlie, came over to see our chickens the other night, took one look at these two:

And said: "Those are roosters!"

CURSES!!

Apparently they haven't been acting like roosters because there is already a dominate male. So, as soon as they are all separated, they'll all be crowing and pecking at innocent feet. At this point we have 3 hens and 3 roosters. Awesome. I have nothing against roosters, in fact, my two favorite ones happen to be roosters, but I have to think of my neighbors and their lack of desire to wake up to Cock-a-Doodle-Do every morning. Plus, have you seen what they do to hens?? It's so dirty and degrading!

Maybe we can make some money off of our 'misfortune'...Cock fights anyone??

Update: My backyard is suddenly very quiet and forlorn. My roosters are gone. You put them up on KSL.com and they go like fried chicken...oops...wrong choice of words! I feel like crying about it! I will miss them. I am going to imagine they went off to some beautiful farm with wide open spaces and hundreds of horny little hens. Goodbye Lady/Man Hawk, Red, and Bard. We love you and hope you aren't going to be someone's dinner tonight!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

I only have a small handful of skills and talents. One of them happens to be putting my foot in my mouth. I tend to take things way too far way too fast. There used to be a girl in my ward that did the same thing, although, I thought she took it much further than I ever did. This was the same girl who booed one of the counselors of the Relief Society when she got up to say something at Enrichment one night (they were friends but, still, not the time or place). At the same spiritually based activity she kept calling me white trash because of my beat up and torn sweatshirt I was wearing and my favorite was when she said in a loud voice that the bishopric was going to do a strip tease at the end of the program. The bishop was at the next table and my husband happened to be in that bishopric.

People tended to group us together and it always bothered me, not that I didn’t like her, I did. She just made me uncomfortable. I wondered if I was really that bad, hoping that I really wasn’t. I tend to leap over the line of appropriate like a fence in someone’s yard. I just get to the other side of it and stop and climb back over. She would jump over the fence, run to the other side of that yard and poop in their grass. Did I go to far with that analogy? Probably, but anyone who knew her would agree, I think.

I have a plethora of examples of me saying something stupid but I will only embarrass myself with a few.

• Recently I was bad mouthing a small business owner for what seemed to be nepotism and slightly dishonest tactics to my BFF. As I was winding down she reminded me (nicely) that her dad is a small business owner who’s children have all worked in his office at some point and time and explained to me that often there is some major gray areas in the business world and sometimes you don’t realize you’ve broken a rule until it is pointed out to you later.
• At my grandmother’s funeral, my uncles and aunt, her children, were all posing for a rare photo op. Everyone was quietly taking their picture at the gravesite when I yelled out, “Make love to the camera!” I see nothing wrong with that but apparently that is not the thing to say after dedicating a grave…go figure…
• The other night I was at a BBQ with my little family and friends. My friend was talking about nursing her baby and how her older son wants to nurse, too. Another friend asked, “Do you ever let him nurse?” To which I so wittily replied, “Who, your husband?”. Said husband blushed. I blushed. My husband blushed. I quietly said, “I forgot this isn’t a girl’s night…sorry” as everyone laughed at my shame.
• When I was a leader in the Young Women’s, we were making a blanket for someone and a counselor from the bishopric was there with us. I made a joke about my weight by saying, “Oh, I weigh about 110. In my bra!” I looked over at him after it was too late to stop myself just has he hung his head and blushed in shame over who was leading our youth.

When you are in a constant state of desperation for a laugh, you tend to make a major fool of yourself about 80% of the time. This would be my life. To be honest, though I do come by it naturally. My sweet little grandma that just passed away had a couple awkward moments.

• At her 80th birthday bash she told her children and their spouses (imagine it with a soft English accent), “I would rather be with you than the finest people in the world.” Thanks, Ma.
• She told my sister-in-law, Heather, after she had her first baby “be careful of their heads. You can hit them anywhere you want but don’t hit them in the head.” Words to live by.
• She is my dad’s mom. My mom’s dad was a charming feller. She flirted with him when he was working on her roof. While both their spouses were on the other side, THAT IS WRONG AND JUST PLAIN OLD DIRTY!!!

So, while I may embarrass myself and those around me on a regular basis,  now and then I just may something funny. And just know, I inherited it. It’s in my genes. There is nothing I can do about it! So please forgive me. And if you happen to see me walking around with my foot in my mouth, please help me get it out. I am not as flexible as I once was and it gets a little uncomfortable.