It has been a rough week! I haven’t written or done much because I felt like I had nothing good to say or contribute to anyone! I feel like I have been in a constant battle with my children and myself all week.
When Audrey was just a baby I was leaving my parents house when their neighbor stopped by to see how I was. He asked me how I liked being a parent and I told him it’s a joy about 80% of the time with a big smile on my face (keep in mind, Audrey was months old and my only child). He responded with, “Really?! For me it’s about 40%! You must be doing something right!” I felt so bad for him! Granted, I grew up with his children and I could see where he was coming from!
Years and more children later, my ratio has changed. It averages out to about 50/50 and I might say that is a high average. This parenting business is not for the weak of heart and I wish I understood that better before I started! But we never do. Don’t get me wrong-I wouldn’t change what I am doing for anything! I am right where I want to be it’s just not all fun and games!
I think of my mom, who is up on my list of the best people in the whole world and I know she had struggles as a young mom and she probably didn’t always handle every situation perfectly. But she is so much more than I will ever be! She is constantly putting everyone before herself! She takes care of everyone’s needs, is always there to listen, to make you laugh, to give support or even just give you money if she has it to give. Compared to her, I am the most selfish, mediocre and dried up soul on the planet! I wish I could be more than I am but I get in my own way all the time!
The other night I found myself in the middle of the kitchen sobbing uncontrollably because I knew if I went downstairs to my crying daughter I would do something I could never take back and would regret till the end of eternity. I was shaking with anger and shame and it was all I could do to just stay put and let her cry it out. All I could think was why on earth did I think I would be a good mother??? I felt like a monster because of the thoughts that were going through my mind.
How could someone so little, beautiful and special turn me into a monster? How can someone who makes me smile and laugh out loud sometimes bring the worst out in me that I didn’t even know was in me? How could there be room in my body for all the love I have for her AND all the hate and anger that will flash for mere minutes?
Never in all my life have I been in any kind of relationship that caused so much love and turmoil. I am now experiencing that with my children and it is exhausting. I’ve never loved anyone so much and so unconditionally in my life. And yet, I have never been so hurt and angered by someone either! What a walking contradiction I have become!
I have been so hurt and tortured by my own shame since that night that I haven’t had much energy for anything else. I have been disgusted with myself for how I have felt about this whole ‘mom thing’ (do I even deserve the title of mom???). Last night I had trouble sleeping so I pulled out my scriptures, thinking of women in the scriptures when I immediately thought of the woman with the ‘issue of blood’ who touched the hem of Christ’s robe and was healed. When Jesus realized someone had touched him she confessed that she touched his clothes and was healed. I can feel His compassion when he says to her: “Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.”(Luke 8:48)
No matter our diseased state, spiritual or physical, Christ can heal us. Through our faith that tomorrow is another day, this too shall pass, or I know I can do better we can have the strength to get through anything! I know that He can make up the difference for me when I do wrong-which is often! Just reading His words changed my heart. It stopped hurting and I felt His forgiving love. I truly felt at peace.
That awful night I thought of mothers who couldn’t take it anymore and left their children through whatever means they felt necessary. I can totally understand how someone could get to that point. The one thing I kept thinking that night was, “I’m here. I’m here. I’m still here.”
I realize that this is a process. I know that while I sit here and put my own mother up on a pedestal, she was once here, feeling inadequate. I know that I will learn to be more patient as we all grow together and one day this will be a silly little memory if not all but forgotten. It doesn’t make it less real but it does make it a stepping stone to the (fingers crossed) pedestal my girls may one day put me on as their example of a loving mother.
This will never be easy. There will always be challenges and I am sure there will be many more nights of tears and sorrow. But there will always be just as much if not more joys and laughter. My children may need a lot of therapy to cope with their mom’s mistakes and outburst but the one thing they will always know is that although imperfect I may be,
I’m here. I am still here.
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