Thank you very much!

Gratitude is a funny thing. I've noticed that if you have a feeling of gratitude about you, life is awesome even when it's not. But if you are lacking in that department, life is just a flaming poo bag on your porch. You can't even see the glorious sunset or hear your children giggling in the house as they play, all you see is a flaming bag of poo.

I've always considered myself a positive and mostly grateful person. I see the glass half full, I *usually* see the good in others, or at least try really really hard. I even hate giving a bad review on a book, movie, event or whatever because there is always something good I can squeeze out of it. I can't even think of a person I hate or wish harm towards. I have people that annoy the living daylights out of me but I still try to see the good in them.

I hate to admit it but something has changed over my adult and less carefree life that has left me a little darker, a little bitter and, way more often than I want, a lot more grumpy. Sure, crap has happened. You can't have 4 kids, a house and a life without having to go through hard times. I think the biggest culprit in my life has been realizing I'm just not as amazing as I just knew I would be taking on the adventures of adulthood and family life. You know how when you were single/before kids/at the beginning of your career you just knew you were going to be the best darn spouse/parent/professor this world has ever seen and then you find yourself in the middle of it thinking,  "I really don't know what the hell I am doing!" We've all done that.. I hope.. Or I really am a big lonely idiot! Life isn't one big Full House episode where you fix the problem within 30 minutes while cheesy music swells in the background and Jesse's standing there flexing and making that mullet look so very right.

Accepting this reality and adjusting my perspective and expectations has been tough for me. I most often feel like I'm failing at something, most things, everything. Somewhere along the way I have allowed this negativity to take over. Sure, I've always been good at whining, but I could  always come out of it and it was rainbows and butterflies all over again. But lately it sticks around longer. It has festered. It has changed me. And I hate it. You know what I hate about it the most? My life is pretty awesome! I have everything I have ever wanted and more(except for the unicorn I'm still holding out for)! I see manifestations of God's never ending love for me daily, even though I don't always deserve it. But here I often sit, mumbling "humbug"  and ignoring the good life around me and focusing on the mess, the screaming baby, the smaller house or the lack of a unicorn in my life.

It's easy to see the beauty around and be grateful for what I have when I'm out goofing off with my friends, on a date with my husband or out on a fabulous run, enjoying the scenery. It's when I'm in the thick of it that I lose the ability to see the good. When I'm playing referee, cleaning up another mess or someone else is crying about some 'injustice', I want to crawl into a hole and count the ways I'm doing everything wrong. Thew sane part of my brain tells me that's just life with kids and we'll get through it but the batpoopcrazy part of my brain tells me I have somehow ruined everything and everybody and I fester. So I've been working on it. Trying to bring Grateful Mindi back. I fall back into bad habits. A lot.

For example, I have been seriously concerned with how my kids have been acting lately. They are mean to each other and often treat ElRey and me like crap. We take stuff away, we lecture, we yell but it just doesn't seem to get better. And I was telling them that. I was trying to figure out ways to have a more positive approach to it by pointing out when they do something kind or follow instructions the first time but I still felt so grumpy about my 'broken' kids. We went to a leadership night program at their school the other night and as I was waiting my turn at the cookie table, one of our favorite teachers approached me and said, "I couldn't let you leave tonight without telling you how amazing your kids are! They are so respectful and kind and smart. I love each of them! Your oldest comes to my kindergarten class as a "buddy" and she is so good with her little buddy. Most of the six grade buddies come in a just goof off. She is kind to her buddy and helps her stay on task. I love when she comes to my class! I just wanted you to know how proud you should be of your kids. You guys have done such a great job!" I about collapsed in her arms crying! I knew in that moment my Heavenly Father was reminding me how awesome my kids are and that I'm doing okay. Sure, we can all work on how we treat one another at home but when they are out in the world they are all the things I want them to be! From that moment on I promised myself I would do all I can to see the good in my kids no matter how frustrated I may get in a situation.

There is progress. I know I am getting better at it. Slowly.

 This was a bad day.My heart was hurting for my daughter who was experiencing some tough changes in her world. Usually, I would wallow in my sadness seeing only this tiny moment in our lives, making it big and dark and ugly. Instead I gathered everyone up, packed a bag and threw on swimsuits and went searching for this 'beach' I had heard about in the next town over and we had one of the best days ever. Just me and my girls. My daughter survived the changes, she's thriving and all has turned out well. Plus, she totally cracks me up!

 Mornings can be really rough around here. By the time I get them to school, I'm ready for a nap or a donut. Or both. I'm still trying to figure out how to make it better but it tends to be one long fight and me saying, "Have a good day. I love you." through gritted teeth. One morning as baby and I got out of the car, it had started snowing lightly. To watch her catch snowflakes was like watching pure joy in action. It almost made me cry. That moment took away all the frustrations of the morning.

I am a living, breathing jungle gym for my kids. I really really really love my personal space and, apparently, so do they. It often irritates me to be touched and climbed on so very much. I know that the day is not far away when I won't have this happening any longer so I try to suck it all up and enjoy it. One day I was busy being this child's 'footstool' and instead of getting incredibly annoyed, I grabbed my phone to document it. It was so cute how she was perched on my shoulders like that. The back pain wasn't so cute but, whatever.

My two oldest take piano from my awesome friend. Getting them to practice each day is a battle. Heck, to just get them to practice 2 or 3 times a week is a freaking miracle that took some serious war tactics just to make it happen. I want to pull them out constantly because it's just one more fight in my life. But then recital time comes. It takes place at a music store where they play on this beautiful Steinway grand piano. When my kids get up there and play the song they've worked so hard on, all the fights and contention disappear. All of it becomes worth it. Until the next practice day..;)

I am a work in progress.