I’ve always been a little disappointed in myself. Self loathing tends to be on my daily to-do list.
But no more.
On my birthday a while back my mom told me that 35 was the beginning of some her best time on earth and I didn’t believe her. All I was seeing was all the negatives of being that much closer to my 40’s and what I have or have not done. But you know what? She was so right!
I have been feeling a happiness and joy about my life that I haven’t felt in long time!
I have had a handful of times in my life where I have relied on antidepressants to keep me afloat in this thing called life and I realized about a month ago what chased me to those tiny white pills. Each time I got to that point it was because I thought I wasn’t good enough, all I had to offer was crap or that I was failing. But I know now that I truly am doing the best I can with what I’ve been given and my Savior will make up the difference. (Who needs therapy, right??)
No longer will I go to bed thinking of what a crap mom I am. I am here for my kids, loving them and laughing with them and yelling at them. And that’s called family. My girls may not walk out of this house in the perfect clothes, with a big bow in their perfectly coifed hair, heck, lots of times their clothes don’t even match but they are happy and they love me as their mom. At least I think that’s why they follow me everywhere including the bathroom.
No longer will I beat myself up because of the number on the scale. I have been in survival mode for 4-5 years and part of that apparently was stuffing my face as a coping mechanism. Oh and having a baby-which is what my awesome body was made to do and does well. I am allowed to be a little extra squishy for a while.
No longer will I think about how much I wish I was more like so-n-so. I am me. And that is great! I certainly have flaws (which I flaunt here for all your enjoyment) and there is always room for improvement but I’ve come to realize that I am awesome as Mindi.
I feel like all I have been doing is make lists entitled “Why Mindi/My Life Sucks” and I was working so hard on those lists that I forgot about all the awesomely beautiful things I have been given in this life time. I had become so narrow-minded in my situation that I was no longer finding joy along the way.
So that self loathing that was on my to-do list? It’s gone. Crossed off. No more.
Those days are over. For good.
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10 comments:
i so needed this post right now! i don't think i'm quite where you are in the whole getting over the self-loathing thing, but i feel like i've slowly been waking up to the fact that i don't totally suck as bad as i think i do. so thanks for sharing your joy with us, it was something i really needed to hear!
Yay Mindi, *claps fingers*! I love the Love of Christ, and am so glad you are filled with it! Today I am too. Thanks!
There is a thing called 'cognitive therapy' that is a wonderful way to cope with lowered feelings and work through to the joy. It's been a great thing around here. You may or may not need the tiny white pills again but even if you do, you're STILL an awesome person- it won't define you!
Mind I think you are super awesome! I really miss you and could definitely use your example in my life. It's super easy to get caught up in the "i wish i had that" or "i wish i was more like her". Thanks for putting things into perspective for me :) love and miss you!
Who needs a pill when there is white powder called cocaine?
And THAT is why you are one of my favorites. And not just because yo can use "crap" and "coifed" in the same paragraph.
I would like to take this moment to claim the right to a little extra squish as well, eventhough I have not created human life recently. It's almost winter, dammit. Isn't that one of the 'Bear Necessities?' An extra layer of fat for the winter. That's Mother Nature's recipe, right? RIGHT?
Thanks for the reminder that we all need to be more forgiving of ourselves, I too have been dealing with such issues focusing too much on what I don't have and not enjoying all the wonderful things I do have.
Keep up the great work, you wonderful Mindi you!
I totally needed that today. Thanks for such a great post and great reminder to give myself a little credit for what I AM doing and not focus on what I am not getting to everyday! You are amazing!!
This post is awesome! So happy for you. And yea- you are right there will always be something but it doesn't rule who we are if we just don't let it.
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