Motherhood

It's been six whole years since I've been here. Hi, hello. I've longed to visit, stay a while. I miss writing. Life, Facebook, my own silly expectations have kept me away. But here I am for a visit. Hoping its a new beginning.

The sun has set on another Mother's Day but this one is very different. Largely because of a fast moving virus called covid-19. It has disrupted life as we know it. I won't go into great detail in this post but schools are closed, kids are learning online from home. Businesses have closed, many are working from home, or worse, have lost their jobs. Even our churches and beloved temples have been closed for the time being. We've been having "home church" for a couple months now. ElRey prepares the sacrament for us and then we have a lesson each week. So no "Mother's Day Sunday", no primary kids singing to their mom's, no sacrament talks on mother's making all the women squirm in their seats for one reason or another.

Don't worry, we all still got a cookie.

It may have been one of the best Mother's Days of my adult life and I'll tell you why.

I've always wanted to be a mother. When I was younger I had 3 life goals-Wife, Mom, Degree. Two out of three not so bad! I thought I was going to be the most amazing wife/mom on the planet. I was made for it! I had a lot of love to give and I'd nurture the hell outta my family, serving without complaint and loving every minute of it.

If there is one thing I could tell the young folks, one piece of advice when it comes to building a family-LET GO OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS!! AND NEVER EVER COMPARE YOUR STORY TO SOMEONE ELSE'S SNAPSHOT!

Guess what? The hard stuff sucks. I want to run away. A lot. I'm angry. Often. Tired. All the time. I'm mostly selfish and don't share well.

So after 18 years of parenting I can say that it brings out the good in me but often it's after it's squeezed out a whole lotta bad. And I'm still working on it. I've had several times where I thought for sure I was past reacting badly only to react very badly all over again.

You're probably wondering when I'm getting to the "Best Mother's Day Ever" part, huh.

All week I've told myself that I really don't deserve to be celebrated. I wanted to ignore today all together. But I knew my family wouldn't allow that so this morning I got up ready to embrace it when I read something about Jesus and mothers:

"they{mothers} laid their story on the altar so we could have ours
their sacrificial love brought birth
new life
and that was only the beginning
there’s a lot of Jesus in that
no thank you could ever do
but for once...in church...my wish would be to not just sing to them, but
shock them...
amaze them
like only His grace can
to tell expectation that he can have the day off
and to take shame with him
and make room in a heart used to pushing out
for Someone else to come in
and let Him tell them how much He likes it there
just as it is
to tell them to stop measuring
unless it’s His merits and mercy
we could never count the ways
as many reasons we may give Him to...He just doesn’t give up on loving us
there’s a lot of mom in that
He has a heart we could never get to the bottom of" -David Butler

 I read it over and over and I realized something. I am so incredibly imperfect but I am trying. I have never done anything that has stretched me more than being a parent. I like easy, friends. I love fun. And parenting ain't always fun or easy. 

As I thought about this mini sermon today, I enjoyed each moment I had with my husband and my girls. Oh how I love them. My love for them is endless. It's pretty easy for me to see others the way God sees them, so much harder to see it in myself. But today I made an effort. I let go of those pesky expectations I have for myself and no one else and enjoyed my day with my loves.